This is the fourth in a multi-part series on How to Find a Husband. This is for entertainment purposes only, and is a tongue-in-cheek criticism of smug marrieds as well as desperate attempts to become smug marrieds. The authors, Grayer and Violet, firmly believe that no one NEEDS a husband to make them complete, but if they want one, the best way to find one is to just be yourself.
Step 4: Be his mother.
Not to be all Freudian on you, but if there's one woman a man can love, it's his mother. It doesn't matter if she's the single most vial creature on earth. If you want a mother-in-law you have to channel that vialness.
Please note: If you're trying to marry a man that has murdered his mother (no judgement here, a husband is a husband!), please disregard this how-to guide.
1. The Scent of a Woman
Scents evoke many memories. Hopefully in his case, happy nesting-proposals-procreating-monogamy memories of his family. Find out what kind of perfume his mother wears. You don't have to find an exact replica, just match the scent "family". If she wears floral, find a floral perfume. She prefers citrusy scents, then so do you. She's a hippie? Then you dig patchouli. Whatever that is. Be careful not to choose his grandmother's scent. You have to give off "natural" pheromones of young fertility, not the elderly scent of a woman who wears a wig and still kisses him square on the lips.
2. If she's a high maintenance bitch, you're a high maintenance bitch.
If a man grew up being treated badly by the Woman in his life, he's going to expect to always be treated badly by the Woman in his life forever. This means you'll be wearing the pants in the relationship. You can even pick out his clothes, and demand that he buy you closets full of designer duds for yourself. Think of Charlotte and Trey in Sex and the City. (Charlotte used Bunny MacDougal's manipulative ways to get him down the aisle. Hmmm... that wouldn't have anything to do with his inability to rise to the occasion, would it?)
On the other hand, if his mother is Mother Theresa, you're going to have to roll up your sleeves and do some serious volunteer work. And donate all your money to needy children. Or the hardest thing of all, actually be nice to him. Hey we didn't say finding a husband was easy!
3. If she wears blue eye shadow up to her brows, so do you.
It's weird to think about, but we swear men not only like a woman who acts (i.e. controls him) like his mother but also has similar looks. If his mother is a natural low maintenance beauty, then he has a deep appreciation for fresh faced young ladies. If she spends two hours getting ready just to go to the grocery store, then you best be getting used to primping, priming, and plucking every morning, just to go to the gym. If she always wears heels, get used to not being able to feel your feet. If she has big hair, then break out the teasing comb and volumizing spray. I think you get the idea.
4. Talk the Talk.
Mama or Mum, mothers always know best. If she's southern, work on saying "y'all" and slow... down... when you speak. If she's from New England, make sure you start saying "wicked" and stop pronouncing your R's. If she's British, be sure you'd like a "spot" of tea, and scream "BLOODY HELL!" whenever you're angry. Trust us.
And there you have it. Become his mother, become his wife. It's that simple. Trust us.
Next up: Part V- Eat your way to a ring.
Step 4: Be his mother.
Not to be all Freudian on you, but if there's one woman a man can love, it's his mother. It doesn't matter if she's the single most vial creature on earth. If you want a mother-in-law you have to channel that vialness.
Please note: If you're trying to marry a man that has murdered his mother (no judgement here, a husband is a husband!), please disregard this how-to guide.
1. The Scent of a Woman
Scents evoke many memories. Hopefully in his case, happy nesting-proposals-procreating-monogamy memories of his family. Find out what kind of perfume his mother wears. You don't have to find an exact replica, just match the scent "family". If she wears floral, find a floral perfume. She prefers citrusy scents, then so do you. She's a hippie? Then you dig patchouli. Whatever that is. Be careful not to choose his grandmother's scent. You have to give off "natural" pheromones of young fertility, not the elderly scent of a woman who wears a wig and still kisses him square on the lips.
2. If she's a high maintenance bitch, you're a high maintenance bitch.
If a man grew up being treated badly by the Woman in his life, he's going to expect to always be treated badly by the Woman in his life forever. This means you'll be wearing the pants in the relationship. You can even pick out his clothes, and demand that he buy you closets full of designer duds for yourself. Think of Charlotte and Trey in Sex and the City. (Charlotte used Bunny MacDougal's manipulative ways to get him down the aisle. Hmmm... that wouldn't have anything to do with his inability to rise to the occasion, would it?)
On the other hand, if his mother is Mother Theresa, you're going to have to roll up your sleeves and do some serious volunteer work. And donate all your money to needy children. Or the hardest thing of all, actually be nice to him. Hey we didn't say finding a husband was easy!
3. If she wears blue eye shadow up to her brows, so do you.
It's weird to think about, but we swear men not only like a woman who acts (i.e. controls him) like his mother but also has similar looks. If his mother is a natural low maintenance beauty, then he has a deep appreciation for fresh faced young ladies. If she spends two hours getting ready just to go to the grocery store, then you best be getting used to primping, priming, and plucking every morning, just to go to the gym. If she always wears heels, get used to not being able to feel your feet. If she has big hair, then break out the teasing comb and volumizing spray. I think you get the idea.
4. Talk the Talk.
Mama or Mum, mothers always know best. If she's southern, work on saying "y'all" and slow... down... when you speak. If she's from New England, make sure you start saying "wicked" and stop pronouncing your R's. If she's British, be sure you'd like a "spot" of tea, and scream "BLOODY HELL!" whenever you're angry. Trust us.
And there you have it. Become his mother, become his wife. It's that simple. Trust us.
Next up: Part V- Eat your way to a ring.
