How to Find a Husband: Part III

This is the third in a multi-part series on How to Find a Husband. This is for entertainment purposes only, and is a tongue-in-cheek criticism of smug marrieds as well as desperate attempts to become smug marrieds. The authors, Grayer and Violet, firmly believe that no one NEEDS a husband to make them complete, but if they want one, the best way to find one is to just be yourself.

Step 3: Play Dumb

"So dumb guys go for dumb girls and smart guys go for dumb girls? So what do the smart girls get?"
"Cats, mostly"--Modern Family

In a completely made up statistic, we have found that the chances of a woman marrying drops 23% with each degree obtained. Want to know why? It makes you seem smart, but even worse, it reduces your dating pool by requiring a man of equal or greater degree value. As if the pickings weren't slim enough! That's right, delete that grad school application, stop studying for those GREs but don't you dare drop out of college. College is where you'll find the most important credential of all.

Obtaining your MRS degree (Bachelor's)
Since colleges these days insist on one having an actual major, here are a few things to think about before declaring:

Acceptable Majors:
Hospitality/Culinary Studies: Think of it as training for your future as a doting wife. Men certainly will as you take away that perfectly folded fan napkin and replace it with a prime rib.
English: It appears men do not mind if their wives can read so this is acceptable. Sure, you'll be able to quote Shakespeare at a dinner party, but please don't read anything more advanced than Stephenie Meyer in front of him.
Geography: What kind of job can you get with a geography major? Who cares!? You'll be able to plan international vacations like a pro (it helps when you actually know where countries are!). Just remember, if he doesn't know what the capital of France is, neither do you *wink*.
Sports Management: No one really knows what this major entails but it's full of student-athletes, is therefore easy, and if given the opportunity, you should always marry an athlete (it means your babies won't be fat, or if they are fat, they can at least play football).

Non-acceptable Majors
Women's Studies: No men will be in your classes, except for the few that are dumb enough to think that "the study of women" will involve nudity and/or get them laid. The men not in your classes will assume you are a lesbian.
Life Sciences: You may think going into a field historically full of men will put odds in your favor but you'd be wrong. Women are making a run for it (until they get married/knocked up anyways) and the male scientists don't really count as men due to their pasty white skin and man boobs, but hey, a husband is a husband. In any case, majoring in any form of science will make you appear to be intelligent and that's the opposite goal of college. Just take it from Grayer, the single scientist/cat owner.

Obtaining your Masters degree
There is only one reason for continuing on with education (don't you dare say to further your career!) and that's to find a husband. Women who go on to get a masters are doing so because A. They spent too much time studying to focus on men or B. Because their long-term boyfriend decided he didn't want to get married and broke up with them halfway through their senior year. Either way, a girl getting her masters is getting her second chance at love. (What she should really be doing is getting a second bachelor's degree, or an associates degree (either of which only drops her chances by 16%) but we'll just roll our eyes and move on).
There's still hope for a masters.  Attending grad school straight out of college will allow you to still be around undergrads without seeming like a washed-out creeper. You still have potential to meet Mr. Good Enough To Marry at the library, at a frat party, or as a student in the class that you're TAing. Continuing on with education also gives you a great excuse for not having a job/not knowing what you want to do with your life. As soon as you do meet him, drop out immediately. Grad school is not worth the torture/humiliation/self-loathing if you already have a man. And if you don't meet a man and accidentally graduate? Yeah, you're pretty much screwed. Just ask Grayer, the perpetually single Master of Science, who just recently completed a crocheted cat sweater.

Obtaining your PhD
At this point we just don't know what you're thinking. You "career girls" have got a mind of your own. Don't you realize that now you have to find a PhD candidate to marry you?! As if those are just all over the place! If you do find one, he probably won't marry you until you have both graduated. Don't you realize how long it takes to get a PhD?! You might not get married until you're...(Gasp!)..30 or something!

Other ways to Play Dumb

• Members of the Grammar Police are Single

Never EVER correct a man’s grammar. As much as it may hurt to let that “good” instead of “well” slide, or “who” when it should be “whom,” grammar police are just not sexy. Imagine this: you are in the midst of a rather passionate moment, and he asks you, “Who do you love?” And you reply, “Actually, it’s Whom do you love?” Yeah, you’ll soon have a dangling participle on your hands. How quickly can you use coitus interruptus in a sentence? However, feel free to take out the red pen after you have that ring.

• Politics

Always, always, always agree with his politics, even if he is a granola eating liberal and you are a gun-toting member of the NRA (or vice versa). This is the purpose of the secret ballot. So that you can vote for the candidate of your choice, no matter what you tell your boyfriend. Beware, this won’t make life easy after you’re finally married, but it will get you down the aisle (and that is the ultimate happiness, right?)

• Go Blonde- literally AND figuratively

Think Jessica Simpson on Newlyweds. Remember when she was confused about Chicken of the Sea tuna? Or when she thought she was actually eating buffalo when she had Buffalo wings? Yes, we know she and Nick Lachey went splitsville years ago, but she was MARRIED, wasn't she? Not only that, but she's about to be married again! And what's better than being married once? Being married twice, obviously. So visit your local salon or the hair care aisle of your favorite drug store, reach for the platinum, and let that color kill away those brain cells.