How to Find a Husband: Part 1

This is the first in a multi-part series on How to Find a Husband. This is for entertainment purposes only, and is a tongue-in-cheek criticism of smug marrieds. The authors, Grayer and Violet, firmly believe that no one NEEDS a husband to make them complete, but if they want one, the best way to find one is to just be yourself.

Step 1:


Keep Expectations Low


Realize the world is comprised of virtually no Jim Halperts but plenty of Dwight Shrutes. Settle on Dwight. A ring is a ring.

Repeat after us: The Perfect Man does not exist. Sad, but true. The Holy Grail of Men does not exist in real life. You may think that they do because you see them on TV or read about them in books, but they are only perfect because they are written that way- and mostly by women.
Jim Halpert, Edward Cullen, and (insert your own make-believe perfect man here) are NOT REAL. And if they were, Jim Halpert is not likely to ask you out; he’s already taken. Or gay. Dwight Shrute, however, is sure to ask you out. If a ring is your true heart’s desire, go with Dwight.



How to Lower Your Expectations

We all want the same thing: a doctor with a full head of hair who spends his free time reading to underprivileged children. This simply won’t happen, so we need to take those expectations down a notch (or two, or three, or four...) It's called "settling" down for a reason: You need to settle.

• OK, so he’s not a doctor. Or even a lawyer. Nor is he an accountant, teacher, cop, or a chef. Try to find the positive in whatever job he has (assuming he has a job. If he’s among the unemployed, we’re sure he has potential...). Street corner mime? He’ll make you laugh, and he won’t talk too much. Garbage collector? Um...well...
• A receding hairline isn’t as bad as it may seem. If it’s not too far gone, there are plenty of products or procedures that will help clear that up. If it’s too late for that, recite the mantra Bald is Beautiful and develop a thing for Bruce Willis. He doesn’t look like George Clooney, but who does? We know you’re more worried about your children inheriting that nose of his than anything else, but just keep plastic surgery in mind. It can always be chalked up to a deviated septum.
• A bigger problem may be if he hasn’t been to a gym for the better part of a decade. A new found love of walks in the park may not do the trick, but a fake note from his doctor explaining his possibly fatal disease that can only be cured with diet and exercise (I think they call that heart disease) just might.
  

How to Know if You Have Lowered Your Standards too far

• He only calls you collect from the state penitentiary
• Your hands slide right off his hair and he always calls you “doll face.”
• You met in a decoupage class
• You’ve never seen him sober
• “His place” is in his parents’ basement. You have to clear away the Star Wars action figures in order to sit down.
• His first three wives have all mysteriously disappeared.

Next up: Part II- Pets and Hobbies: The Keys to Entrapment