How to Find a Husband: Part II

This is the second in a multi-part series on How to Find a Husband. This is for entertainment purposes only, and is a tongue-in-cheek criticism of smug marrieds as well as desperate attempts to become smug marrieds. The authors, Grayer and Violet, firmly believe that no one NEEDS a husband to make them complete, but if they want one, the best way to find one is to just be yourself.


Step 2:
Pets and Hobbies: The Keys to Entrapment

Get a Cat.

One cat shows that you are caring, nurturing and responsible. Two or more cats says you’re crazy and alone.

PETS

Picture this: It’s a lovely, spring afternoon, and you’re off for a run/walk/stroll through the park. Walking down the path towards you is a very attractive male specimen with the most adorable labradoodle on his leash. Your first instinct is to run up to him and gush about how cute his puppy is while hoping it will lead to him asking for your phone number, but be warned: this could be a trick. Beware of men walking dogs (particularly small ones) in the park. Chances are, they are doing so to get your attention. The dog may not even be his. He could have borrowed it from his neighbor/sister/girlfriend for the sole purpose of picking up pretty ladies in the park.

How to tell if he is using a dog (or is just flat out gay)

• The furry friend is wearing pink. Guys put girl dogs in dark purple or red. Girls put girl dogs in pink. So compliment the pink rhinestone collar and walk away, walk away fast.
• No control. According to the dog whisperer bad dogs are not born, they are made. Or, they are caused by being taken hostage in order to attract ladies. If the dog's trying to get away from it's "daddy" so should you.
• It has a better wardrobe than you. Unless it's in the single digits outside, men do not put their dogs in clothing. No vests, no sweater, no yellow raincoats with matching golashes.
• It weighs under 20 lbs (excluding puppies). Straight men don't dream about a little dog to carry around in their murse.
• The name game. A guy once introduced me to a dog name Dolce. Let me guess, his boyfriend/girlfriend's cat was named Gabbana...

Sound cynical? It is, but don’t worry. This canine trap works both ways. You could go to the same park every day for a month without anyone speaking to you, but once you add a dog to the equation, everyone, including the cute guy playing ultimate frisbee, will be saying hello.
Don’t have a dog? Borrow one. Ask your roommate, neighbor, friend, or weird guy across the street if they would mind if you took their pooch for a walk. Chances are, they’ll be happy to have someone else offer to walk the dog once in awhile, but if they think it’s a strange request, just tell them you’re thinking of getting one for yourself, but need to take one for a test spin.

What his pet says about him.

Finally, another way to judge a man, this time based on his preferences for animalistic companionship.

Dog This is a man’s man. (Assuming this pooch isn’t of the teacup variety). He seeks companionship yet likes to be in control. Let him play master.
Cat Although a slightly feminine choice, he probably has his reasons. A cat-owner is a nurturer yet appreciates self-sufficiency and an independent mind. He’ll treat you right if you keep your cling-on to a bare minimum.
Rodent A little on the quirky side, he can get past the associated stigmas and appreciate an animal, or a woman, for what it truly is. Mice are cute as long as they aren’t free to move about the cabin.
Bird Unless Polly repeats dirty words, we see no good reason a man would have a bird. You’re on your own with this one.
Snake Appreciates the exotic and enjoys appearing to be a bad ass. If the mice feedings are his favorite part, keep your distance.
Other reptiles It may have been cool at age 15 but not so much at 35. Make sure he’s not still living in his mom’s basement.
Giant insects Please refer to above, only add a creeper factor.
Fish A lot can be said by the condition of the tank. Let’s just say that things aren’t looking good if you can’t see the fish.


HOBBIES

Like pets, hobbies can create a good conversation point to at least get you started. Obtain hobbies, obtain a husband, it’s that simple.
You’re probably thinking “Woohoo! The perfect excuse to take that ballroom dancing/french pastry/decoupage class I’ve always wanted to!” To which we say, STOP RIGHT THERE! Do you really think you’re going to find a husband at a decoupage class? Not unless your dream man is also a member of Liza Minelli’s fan club and you’re willing to be celibate.
This is not about exploring your interests, there’s plenty of time to do that after you have a ring on your finger. Here are a few interests you can feign interest in if you aren’t interested in them already.

Church Ask anyone the question, “Where can I meet decent, single men?,” and the number one answer in the world is “church.” (This is a completely made up statistic, but it feels true.) It’s true. Go to church. At church, or any other place of worship, you will find husband material, provided they’re not already married. Grayer points out that she has never, not once, seen an attractive, single man in her age group at church. With that in mind, we refer back to Part 1. Receding hairline? Twenty years older divorcee with four children? A ring is a ring, ladies. Tick, tock, tick tock...
Not religious? Try all of them. Go to the synagogue on Saturday night, the Baptist church down the street Sunday morning. If anyone catches on to you, just tell them you’re seeking spiritual enlightenment and aren’t sure about where to start. Even better- then they’ll take the time to tell you about why theirs is the true path to redemption.
You are religious? What are you doing reading this? Shouldn’t you be married already?

Intramural sports Especially if you’re not the “sporty” type. This allows husband material to teach you, and in order to teach you, he needs to touch you.
Trust us on this one. We are a couple of “sporty” girls, and as a result we’ve never ever EVER received romantic attention on the field, since (and we don’t mean to brag) we already know how to play. All we get is an “atta girl” and a slap on the ass (and not the good kind).
If you’re looking for a meal ticket, you should definitely consider taking up golf and/or tennis. These are sports of the bourgeois. (If you really can’t be bothered to learn these sports, just throw on a pleated skirt and sip iced tea at the 19th hole. Claim an injury when he asks you to play with him, but offer to ride in the golf cart/sit on the sidelines and watch. Be sure to compare his swing/forehand to Tiger Woods/Pete Samprass.) The same could be said for horse racing, although not actually racing the horses. Just show up at the races; be sure to wear a very, very large hat, pearls, and white gloves.

Real sports Don't know the first thing about a real sport? No problem, you only need to know a couple of things to impress them, so stay tuned for Violet and Grayer's Everything a Lady Needs to Know About Sports.