It's raining men

Mmmm..Boys

We here at WWBD? may bash them for extreme examples of fuckwittage, describing them as egotistical commitment phobes who break our hearts without even realizing they hold them in their hands. But do not let us fool you, for we absolutely love them (or do we love to hate them?). I admit I am the worst offender of this child's play, but as a group I just cannot get enough. I'm talking Love them, Love them. All of them. I'm as boy crazy as a prepubescent girl just noticing that minus the acne and braces, boys are pretty much amazing. And oddly enough, I just keep getting worse.

Perhaps this is due to the discoveries I make as I get older. With my gained knowledge and wisdom, their previously assumed prevertedness and immaturity can now be appreciated as witty innuendos and fun-loving antics. This, however, is not because they have gotten older or more mature, as one might assume. Just look at my recent infatuation with an 18 year old summer intern (a crush I did not act upon might I add).

For me, sense of humor is a huge turn on, and boys are downright hilarious. They will do anything for a good laugh and I absolutely love it. This includes getting 14 of their friends to dress in identical penguin costumes and barhop on Halloween, just because it's funny (Insert: mental image of 15 penguins waddling around a downtown area before hitting the dance floor). Or putting office supplies in a Jell-O mold (a la my one true love, Jim Halpert).

I am not a shallow person, but let's be honest, looks are a huge factor of my boy-craze. As I am still around a college campus, a haven for cute, albeit young boys, I am constantly surrounded by a surplus of hotness. This is where I decide if I like teaching a class or not by the number of cute students. Where being caught up in the men's summer cross country practice can be seen as nothing less than a gift from God. Nowhere else can attractive young men be found in such quantity and naiveness. Crushes on said students and athletes are frequent and always fun, giving me a reason to try to look nice on an early Monday morning.

Aside from the fuckwits, guys really are just good people. They have this innate protective quality, stemming either from birth or their mother's nagging, that leads them to be almost chivalrous. Even just male friends have a somewhat gallant attitude that I love. For clarification, I in no way am dependent on boys or in need of a protector. But having a boy around to walk with you in a dark alley, or help you up when you trip and fall, is not being dependent, it's just utterly convenient and smart. Without all the drama and bitchiness of a female friend, and the occasional snoggability, guys are my preferred sex for friendship (aside from my girl besties).

I may be completely boy-crazed, loving to look, talk, flirt and makeout with them, but in no way do I feel I need to date them. We may complain of being seemingly serious singletons, but don't forget, single stands for free to mingle. So while our friends get married, let's make the most of it, and go home with one of the groomsmen. While they start having babies, let's be thankful we still have the money/time/body to meet sex gods at the bar. Hopefully it won't last forever, but let's enjoy the flirtations before the inevitable jealous boyfriend is around stop it.

But I still think Cole Hamels is hot...

I just finished watching the World Series. In the top of the 7th, Tampa Bay outfielder Rocco Baldelli hit a home run, and the following words actually came out of my mouth: "He didn't even extend his hands, and he still managed to hit it out."

I know a LOT about sports, particularly baseball. Even the most minute details. I can explain the infield fly rule (and have, to almost every guy I've dated), I have an opinion on the designated hitter rule (get rid of it, all players should play the whole game), and I listen to Mike and Mike In The Morning every morning on ESPNradio.

Don't get me wrong, I am still very much a girl. I enjoy wearing high heels and dresses, applying mascara, and I get weepy over The Notebook. But I would much rather go to the game than spend an afternoon shoe shopping. In fact, I think a baseball game is a really, really good date. So how am I still single?

Are men turned off by ESPN-watching women? And if so, why? Are they intimidated? Do they feel it threatens their manhood? At risk of sounding arrogant, shouldn't I be every man's dream? I'm no Scarlett Johansson, but I don't need to put a bag over my head when I leave the house, either. What gives?

I understand that part of my problem is my taste in men. Jocks aren't really my type, but then again, I don't think I'm their type either. Does one cause the other? Am I not their type because I'm more likely to be playing next to them rather than be one of the cheerleaders?

I should probably be asking men these questions (hmmm, maybe I'll email Mike and Mike...), so do me a favor and ask around.

The pursuit of Available Straight Men without Mommy Issues

This post is kind of in response to Grayer’s post on Oct 23, 2008. I’m of course also an advocate for straight available guys but I find that I attract a completely different subset of guys than Grayer. While I have come in contact with my share of Men of Questionable Orientation (MQO) and the taken, these men do not often pursue me.

For the last couple of years I’ve found myself primarily attracting Indian men. (I admit that this may be partially due to circumstances since a good portion of my friends in grad school were Indian.) This was fine at first but then I discovered there are issues and complications associated with dating someone from another culture that make dating all the more difficult. For example, the Premature “I love you” guy lied to our mutual friends and said that we weren’t dating. He told them “What would his parents think?!?!” On the other hand, he told me that his parents were very open and accepting.* I don’t know about you but I don’t particularly appreciate being lied to or feeling like a guy’s dirty secret. Since my experience with the Premature “I love you” guy, I have sworn off dating Indian guys. I know it may sound harsh but I saw a pattern and decided that it was in my best interest to cut myself off while I was ahead. So far I have stood by this decision.

What do you think it is that draws these particular groups of men to particular women? Is it purely due to the settings we find ourselves in or is there more to it? Is there a nature vs. nurture component to dating? Should we be putting ourselves into different settings to attract men more to our liking?

*Note: One of the last times I saw the Premature “I love you” guy he told me his parents were pressuring him to get married and they were lining up some nice Indian girls for him to meet on his visit home. While I'm completely over him, it is weird to think that someone I dated may have an arranged marriage.

Ego Suave

I'd like to present a new category of heartbreakers; more concrete than our beloved imaginary fellows, more trendy than the always interesting McNerdy, and disgustingly more moody than any McDreamy gracing my presence. This subset of male takes romance seriously, but can't pay the bill at the end of the night. This moocher behavior is only right in his mind, for he is an unpublished writer... An Artist! Supporting himself with a dead end part-time job would only cause him to fester in the open sore of regular, uninspired society. This male makes up for his complete inadequacy in every day life by being a self-righteous egotist concerning his intelligence. He wants to be successful and capable but struggles to actually work for those characteristics.

Unfortunately, his attractive features, including eyes, smile, and romanesque physique complicate the situation. His romantic nature and absolute love for cuddling and holding hands don't help either. As a boyfriend, this inadequate self-righteous egotist is perfect. He intelligently thinks through most problems and deeply understands feminine nature. His support and encouragement are endless. Yet, they ended.

I'm sure the reader recognizes a ranting woman when they read one. After a sudden and unexpected let go by the above described, I'm entitled to rant (and cry and sob, be moody and unpredictable, underfeed and overly drink). The egotist has a habit of complete devotion for one year- then quickly exiting the premises. In this case it lasted a year and a few months, but I wasn't counting. His impossible nature only makes me sigh (sob) now in remorse.

So ladies, when ego suave catches your eye at a bar or party and romances the hell out of you with wit and good looks, smile and tell him your interest lies elsewhere. If you feel yourself getting pulled into paying for a drink, a meal, or his rent, laugh and say 'good luck with your art'! Sport your independence and strength like you are an american gladiator. Keep your money in your red white and blue onesy while you're at it. Then go flirt with the sexy and interesting friends he attracts!

Love Spell

Thanks to google, love spells are way too easy to find. I clicked on everythingunderthemoon.net at random for their free love and beauty spells. But before you try anything at home, please pay heed to this warning:

Remember though, using a love spell to force someone else to love you will not get you want you ultimately want, which is true love. It is best to do a spell that will bring you the person that is right for you, not one person in particular that you have a crush on. No matter how much you believe that the relationship

is meant to be, try to keep it in perspective and remember that if it were REALLY meant to be, you wouldn't have to force it to happen.


Really? Something meant to happen doesn't have to be forced? Huh. They also recommend that if you don't have a certain material the spell calls for, feel free to substitute a similar material, or just make up your own spells. Boy, I have high hopes for this website.

Since I'm a beginner, I decided to start with the Simple Love Spell.

Simple Love Spell

This spell is simple and requires no searching for exotic ingredients. It is performed to draw people to you (friends) and enhance your sexual attraction (if you desire more than friends) In many ways, this is a confidence and self esteem spell.

Confidence and self esteem spell? So I could achieve the same result if I shaved my legs and put on some sexy panties?

Do a thorough physical cleaning of your bathroom

, and cover any mirrors with material (white or pink towels or sheets are nice) Then draw a bath and to the water add a small handful (about 1/3 to 1/2 cup) sea salt or other available salt while saying:

"Negativity is washed away, I am renewed as of today! Many heads will turn my way, the ones I chose will wish to stay."

I like to take a bath every now and then, but I didn't really have the time. Luckily, the spell "recipe" also states that you can take a shower and hang a salty washcloth from it. So I did. I was also too lazy to hang white or pink towels over my mirrors. So I just avoided looking in the mirror, which I think is the same thing.

Then you're supposed to light candles and play music, following these instructions.

Turn off the lights and turn on your favorite music if possible, something that makes you feel reckless and sexy,

So "Let's Get it On," or Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" ?

or calm and at peace with yourself,

Enya?

depending on your taste, mood, and the desired end result you want....The feeling that the music evokes in you is important.

When you are finished repeat the original words, plus this ending line, so you'll say:
"Negativity is washed away, I am renewed as of today! Many heads will turn my way, the ones I chose will wish to stay."

"I am blessed, I am loving, I am loved and love myself! I am love!"



So there you have it, the first WWBD? love spell. I'll report back in a week with the results. In the meantime, I'll keep experimenting.

Now accepting applications for Single, Straight males. Minimal experience: 1 year

I've recently realized that all the men I have knowingly attracted, can easily be placed into three sad categories.

1. Men of Questionable Orientation (MQOs). I don't know what it is but if a guy is possibly/probably gay, I somehow become the object of his hearts desire. This has been a trend since high school, when seemingly flamboyant boys became publicly interested in me. For some of them, who later came out of the closet, I think its all for show. They pick the girl least likely to go for them and "pine away" for her for years. But I still don't understand it. Is it me? Do I remind them of the ones they truly want to be with. Am I masculine in some unknown way? One thing for certain, MQOs are not good for the self-esteem.
   
2. The Taken. A more recent revelation are the guys with girlfriends. Maybe its the whole "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome, but I appeal more to them than perfectly available boys. I don't play completely innocent on this one, I may have encouraged this a time or two, but I do not approve of cheaters. The good thing about this category, is that it can produce really great guys, although the very recent ex can be quite a problem. In fact, after breaking up with their respective girlfriends, my exboyfriend and ex-imaginary boyfriend started seeing me. The bad thing about this category is I fear that it has given me bad dating karma. And let's face it, in the world of dating, a girl needs all the good karma she can get.
3. The Never Been Had. By far the saddest and most predominate category, Never Been Hads are complete relationship virgins. These guys have never dated a girl, been intimate with a girl, or sometimes even talked to a girl in person. This also started in high school, when AIM conversations turned into flowers on my birthday and bad poetry in history class. Even now these guys are "dating" me without my knowledge, dishing to my closest friends that they like me, asking me out for coffee, but only over Facebook. Its all very middle school. I feel bad for these guys, but in no way do I ever want to date them. Never Been Hads may also give me bad karma as gently turning them down, or avoiding them altogether, is completely necessary.

My search continues for a man who is actually into girls, but only one at a time. One who has prior relationship experience, but is not hung up on these prior relationships. I swear asking for another category, one in which I am attracted to, is not too much to ask as I am not that picky. However, I fear this fabled hero is exactly that; completely fictional.

Almost Lover, or The Curse of the Imaginary Boyfriend

I just had a lengthy phone conversation with my ex-imaginary boyfriend. I say ex because we have long since established "just friends" boundaries with our relationship.

Ladies, listen up. Imaginary boyfriends are the worst kind. There is never going to be a happy ending with an imaginary boyfriend. If he wanted to be your real boyfriend, you would both know it. He may seem like The One, or Mr. Right, The Perfect Guy, or even The Bad Boy that you want to fix (Ha! Who are you kidding?) but underneath his devilishly handsome exterior are some serious issues. Imaginary boyfriends are great friends. That's how it all starts. But they are terrible boyfriends. They don't know how to be a boyfriend. Hence the imaginary. Run. Run fast.

Getting over an imaginary boyfriend is way worse than getting over a real one. I should know. I was in a real, factual, serious relationship for about a million years. Okay, it was more like 4+, but looking back, it feels like a million years. And when it was over (my idea, in case you were wondering), what did I do? Did I cry on the shoulders of my best friends, Ben & Jerry? Did I sit alone, in my darkened apartment in pajamas, eating nothing but raw cookie dough? Absolutely not. I moved on.

And who did I move on to? That's right, the Imaginary Boyfriend. I was in a pseudo-relationship with the Imaginary Boyfriend for more than a year. A year! That's more than 12 months of treading water, questioning, looking for "signals," and subjecting poor Scarlet to countless hours of inane analysis of his hot and cold behavior. A smarter girl- and I had always thought I was one- would have told him to forget it. He obviously doesn't know something good when he's staring it straight in the face- or making out with it, as the case may be. But I did tell him to forget it. More than once, actually, and each time, he came back and did something awesome, so I thought it was a turning point in the relationship.

Moving on from the Imaginary Boyfriend was a lot harder than you'd think. With a real relationship, you actually have something to mourn. With an Imaginary Boyfriend, you're mourning what could have been. You just keep thinking 'if only we had graduated to hand-holding and sleepovers, things would have been great.' And even after it's really, truly, over, you still think something will happen to knock some sense into him, like him getting hit with a baseball bat or something. Luckily, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken, also works for imaginary relationships.

The problem with the Imaginary Boyfriend is that they're so hard to recognize. In the early stages of the relationship, things are just going so well, you don't know how they could possibly fail. Then things come to a screeching halt when the IB gets cold feet or isn't sure if he's really ready for a relationship. But at the same time, he really digs you, so he doesn't want to send you back into the dating pool just yet.

My problem today is that the ex-Imaginary Boyfriend and I are still very good friends. (Hence the lengthy phone conversation.) We started out as good friends, so I didn't see any reason why that should change, even if he did break my heart into a million pieces. The thing is, the ex-Real Boyfriend (hmmm, he needs a better nickname) could get married next weekend, and I would be genuinely happy for him. Seriously. But if I found out the ex-Imaginary boyfriend was so much as the current Imaginary Boyfriend to some other poor sap (and I suspect he is. I should really call her and warn her), well, he may as well have just punch me in the gut. I mean, I do want him to be happy. Eventually. It's just that I have to be happy first.

This Imaginary Boyfriend is heretofore known as McNerdy. Because I have a thing for nerds, and he is the perfect dose of nerdiness, but, despite fooling me for far too long, is definitely not my McDreamy. Just a McDreamy wannabe.

Three words you don’t want to hear before the first date…

I had been unofficially dating this guy for a week or two when IT happened.

Perhaps I should provide the background story. I was in grad school and had known this guy for a few months. We were friends but I could tell that it was turning into something more. Once after studying at the grad office we had gone out for dinner and he paid. (Previously we had mostly hung out together with friends.) He asked me to dinner on another occasion for what I would have called the first date but it didn’t work out. (I think he forgot or something equally irritating.)

So we both went to a grad party to celebrate the end of a semester. He had a little to drink and gathered the courage necessary to hold my hand. (Yeah I know this sounds very junior high…I’m getting there.) Anyway after a while we went back to my place. We watched TV and there was some awkward conversation before he started kissing me. It wasn’t bad...we were just innocently making out (although I could tell he wouldn’t have minded something less innocent).

Then he said it…those three little words that every girl wants to hear…but not before the first date…you guessed it, he said “I love you”!! Thoughts wildly raced through my mind as I searched for the most appropriate response. (Seriously how do you respond to such a bold declaration of love before you have even officially been on a date? The only time I had heard of this happening was in a chick flick…sadly chick flicks don’t translate well in the real world.)

Ultimately I took the non-decision route. I choose not to acknowledge his declaration of love and I continued to kiss him. After a while I told him that it was time for him to go…after which I, of course, proceeded to freak out! Sadly, the premature “I love you” marked the turning point in this “relationship”…the beginning of the end.

Hereafter, he will be referred to as the Premature “I love you” guy.

Hold the Eye of Newt

I had the experience of visiting Salem, Mass. this weekend, the town made infamous by hanging dozens of supposed witches in the late 17th century. To make ammends, this town truly embraces witches of all kinds. (How does witchcraft fit into this blog?, you ask. I'm getting there.)

While wandering around this tourist trap town, my sister and I decided to try out a magik shop that claimed to be the real deal. I didn't really take this seriously, obviously, but went in to look for a magic wand or something. (And seriously, there were plenty of shops that were providing real wands made just for you by real witches. Like Ollivander's in Diagon Alley or something.) However, when we walked in we quickly realized that to these people, this was no joke. A woman walked in behind us wearing purple and black robes, and the guy working in the store told her (very seriously) what a beautiful pendant she was wearing. A woman was asking for advice on which spell book was the best. I decided giggling and pointing at all the witchy paraphanalia may be a bad idea, as I could possibly be hexed. This people take their witchcraft very seriously.

For sale in the witchcraft shop was a selection of herbs for potions. Herbs for wealth, creativity, psychic powers, protection, and of course, love. My younger sister, never one to miss an opportunity to take a jab at my lack of a love life, kindly pointed out that I should really invest in some herbal love. Ha. Ha. Hilarious. Obviously, I would never be so desperate to stoop to silly fairy tale legends to get a boyfriend. Besides, I don't really know how to use it ("Do you put it in tea?," my sister asked) and the last thing I want is for a love potion to backfire on me, leaving me loveless for the rest of my spinster life. I mean, we all know what happened to Lavendar Brown when she tried to give Harry Potter love potion-laced candy, and it ended up in the hands of Ron Weasley.

But the herbal love did give me a brilliant idea. In honor of Halloween, I'm going to do a bit of research on love potions and love spells and the like, then experiment with this sorcery to find out if any of it actually works. Strictly for research purposes, of course.

Everything I need to know in life, I've learned from bumper stickers

You don't have to have a life coach to learn about love and war, just read the bumper stickers.

• I don't make mistakes, I date them
• Sex is a lot like pizza. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good
• Disney movies have given me unrealistic expectations of men
• They keep saying the right person will come along...I think a truck hit mine!
• Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, the devil says, "Oh crap, she's up!"
• Well behaved women rarely make history
• Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about
• Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just the people you have fun with
• Sorry baby, Pimps don't fall in love
• I spent Saturday night with my boyfriends: Ben & Jerry
• Don't chase them, replace them
  

Introducing The Heavy Breather

A slight flashback to get us started...

I was on the rebound, and dating a guy that was more into me than I was into him. He was nice, definitely my type, but sadly, not as much my type as the commitment-phobe/fuckwit that had just crushed me, so I really wasn't that into him. We had gone out on a date, but still hadn't had any real mouth-to-mouth action when he invited me over for dinner. He actually cooked me dinner. Chicken, salad, wine, the works. So obviously we had to hit the couch for a post you've-just-cooked-dinner-for-me make-out session. And it was good. Except for one not-so-little thing.

His heavy breathing.

This may sound like an innocent make-out faux pas, but I assure you, it was not. It was a fairly innocent make-out session; there wasn't even groping involved for crying out loud, and here he was, panting like a porn star. I mean, the guy turned out to be an above average kisser, but I couldn't enjoy it because I was so completely freaked out. I just kept thinking un-sexy thoughts like "is there something going on for him that's not happening for me?" and "maybe he should hit the gym for a little extra cardio?" and "seriously, it's not like it's his first time, is it?" (it wasn't, he's a serial monogomist of the worst kind. More about that and his corresponding fuckwittage later.).

Because of the screaming awkwardness of the situation, I ended the lip-lock much sooner than I would have liked. I just couldn't enjoy it. But I believe in second chances, so later that evening, I gave him a second chance. And it happened AGAIN!

So I did what any sensible girl would do. I avoided any and all potential make-out sessions for two weeks. Harder than you think. This story has a happy ending, though. He must have taken up running in those two weeks, because after that, the unnecessary heavy breathing was replaced by the appropriate kind.

However, he will hereby be referred to as The Heavy Breather.

Dating Dictionary

In case you're wondering what on earth we're talking about sometimes...

Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.

Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.

Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.

Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.

Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.

Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.

Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)

Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.

Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.

Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.

Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.

Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.

Mission Statement

We are singletons just like you! Like Bridget Jones, we are constantly analyzing our dating lives or lack there of. We started this blog in hopes that other singletons could relate to our stories and learn from our experiences. We welcome feedback. We will also provide reading suggestions, a singleton dictionary, and dating fashion dos and don'ts.

Please pass this along to your girlfriends and together we will put an end to fuckwittage!

-Scarlet and Violet