Love is just a click away...

Internet dating. I've not tried it and I don't want to. Please don't be offended by this statement.

Let me start by explaining that Violet has informed me of the popularity of internet dating on your side of the pond, and it sounds great. I've loved hearing of Violet's experiences with the whole thing (even if she hasn't loved experiencing some of them) and it has intrigued me.

Here's the problem. I don't live on your side of the pond. I live on Bridget's side of the pond. We're always a few steps behind you with pretty much everything: we get movies two months after you do, they've only just finished showing series two of Brothers & Sisters and I think I can sum it up by saying that cupcakes are the 'new thing'. I despair sometimes. My point is, internet dating hasn't reached the same heights. There are commericals for it on TV, more people are doing it, but that stigma of 'you only do internet dating thing if you're old and desperate' hasn't quite faded yet. Once again, please don't be offended!

For a few months now I've been considering trying it, but I keep putting it off. The first thing was I'd wait until I passed my driving test. Afterall, who wants their dad dropping them off for a date? (I do realise that ideally the guy would pick me up, but just in case.) So I passed my test. Then I'd wait until I moved out. Afterall, who wants their mum peering out the net curtains watching as you say goodbye to your date (yes, we have net curtains.) So I've moved out. Now I'm waiting until I get a place of my own. But I know that once that happens I'll just put it off again and again and again...

The thing is, none of my friends (in the UK) are doing it. And I think this is the type of thing you need your friends to be doing as well so you can compare notes. Once again, I'm making excuses. I came close to starting a profile once but I just didn't know where to start with summing up my personality, hobbies, likes and dislikes in little boxes. I broke out into a cold sweat at the thought of agreeing to meet a guy and waiting in a bar somewhere pretending to text someone while fearing that I was going to be stood up. I had images of meeting a guy who claimed to be 6"2 but typed '6' instead of '5' claiming that his finger slipped. (NB there's nothing wrong with guys who are 5"2, but I'm 5"8.) Needless to say, I didn't get past the registration page.

And so, once again on WWBD?, I'm appealing for your advice and words of wisdom. I'm willing to try it, but maybe I should wait until the new year...

The Conrad Report

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had the opportunity to meet Conrad. I don't know why I thought this was post-worthy, except that with us being spread out over two continents, we never actually get to meet the men we talk about. (Although technically Scarlet has met the Dark Horse, she just didn't know he would be worth remembering.)

The verdict? I like him. Even if he did notice my misshapen thumbs and suggest my Thanksgiving morning stomach pyrotechnics were a result of pregnancy. (They weren't.) Aside from that, I find him cute and funny. Two necessary qualities for all boyfriends, real and imaginary. So Conrad, here's two bulbous thumbs up!

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that

Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?

This song is the first on this great break up/rainy day album that Violet made me a few years ago with the recommendation that it be taken with a pint of ice cream. The album was probably in regular rotation in my car CD player for over a year. Last week I rediscovered why I love it so much. I've never really had my heart broken before and I have a new found respect for Violet's masterpiece.

Last week I finally talked to MM and officially ended whatever we were. I had asked him if he was avoiding me the previous week when he told me that he was busy playing video games. He said no and acted like it was no big deal, after talking practically everyday for 5 months, that he would go a week without talking to me. This really stung. Was this really so easy for him? I had been fighting the urge to text or call him all week. Meanwhile he was playing video games?

When it became apparent that MM was not going to address the elephant in the room and thought that we could just instantly go from dating to friends with no discussion, I decided that something needed to be said. I needed closure. All along MM had told me that above all else he valued my friendship and he didn't want us dating to ruin that. So when I talked to MM, I told him that if he really wanted to be friends with me, then he needed to stop being an ass and doing what was easiest for him. MM said that he was sorry and that he had avoided the situation because he didn't know what to say and he was scared. We talked about it some more and I got some of the answers that I needed. We agreed that we wouldn't talk or see each other for awhile. While it was upsetting to talk about it and relive the disappointment and rejection, it was what I really needed to begin the slow process of moving on.

At least that is what I thought. This weekend I went back on match.com and perused my options. I even updated my profile that I've had hidden for months. But I left it hidden. Even though I was trying to think of the prospect of dating other guys, I'm simply not ready to put myself out there again. I'm trying not to think about MM. This is easier said than done. During the day I stay busy, but at night I'm fighting a losing battle. MM is in my dreams. Sometimes I dream of him ending things and relive the crushing disappointment in my sleep. Other times I'm out with other guys and they just don't measure up to MM. They are boring or the chemistry just isn't there. Perhaps the most damaging, I dream that MM changed his mind and wants to try to make things work, only to awake disappointed, knowing that this isn't going to happen.

So my question for you, does this get any easier? When can I expect the dreams to end? When will I stop comparing other guys to MM only to find that they come up lacking? How long before there comes a day that I don't wake up in the morning with MM on my mind?

Out and Proud

The holidays are a time for family dysfunction and boy do I have a story for you. It all starts with mine and Violet's aunt, who we affectionately refer to as YFA (Your Favorite Aunt, which she's been not-so-humbly signing all cards since we've been old enough to read). YFA is not a happy woman. She is everything we hope never to become. She's critical, lonely, and downright annoying.

Unfortunately, we have to spend Thanksgiving with her this year. Violet and I have been counting on being together to deal with her craziness, but the witch struck before Violet's plane had even landed. Upon YFA's arrival I introduced her to my roommate, 8-year-Lisa. We chatted politely and it took Lisa no time at to realize what an unhappy woman YFA really was. While Lisa was in the shower I showed her around our house, indicating my room, as well as the door to Lisa's room. At this point YFA was interested in my life, something she hasn't cared about for 5 years or so.
YFA: "So have you known Lisa since you started school here?."
Me: "Yeah, she started here a semester before me."
YFA: "Good for you."
(Good for me? I didn't know what this meant, but I ignored it.)
Me: "She lived across the street from me at my old apartment. We became really good friends and decided to move our relationship to the next level by becoming roommates."
YFA: "Are you out and proud?"
Though my "relationship to the next level" comment was just a joke, she was completely serious when she asked this. Suddenly her previous comment made sense. She was happy for me for "finally" meeting someone, and it occurred to me, MY AUNT THINKS I'M A LESBIAN. Don't get me wrong. I'm down with the gays, but my boy craze has been well documented for a number of years. And here's the thing, I DIDN'T EVEN DENY IT.
Me: "We're not together..."
YFA then went on to discuss gay rights while I frantically tried to figure out what just happened and why she would come to that conclusion. It wasn't just my relationship joke, apparently my aunt already was getting the gay-vibe.

I immediately knew I was on to something extraordinary and couldn't wait until Violet arrived and I could recount this epic tale. After laughing excessively and realizing that I didn't even deny it, she begged to keep this going. For weeks Violet and I have been trying to think of a prank to pull on YFA, but couldn't come up with a single one that wouldn't deeply offend her (Her Christmas presents are usually awful, but there's always a chance a giftcard would be thrown in). But low and behold, within the first 20 minutes of spending time with her, she has given us the ultimate Christmas present: she has volunteered to be punk'd.

Tonight, family game night will include comments about Ellen DeGeneres and my new rugby team.

You can bring me flowers baby, when I'm dead and gone

I took my puppy for a long walk at the park over the weekend to try to clear my mind. To be more precise, we went on two walks. We didn't walk alone. Ray LaMontagne joined us. Yes, I have a new man. For some reason when I'm upset, I'm driven to listen to dark and depressing music. If you are looking for dark and depressing then Ray is your man. One of my favorites is "You can bring me flowers"...

My eyes are dry my hands are tied

There's nothing I can say

If you feel the need to go

I won't stand in your way

Sit and think drown and drink

Sing this sad sad song

You can bring me flowers baby

When I'm dead and gone

Somehow the walk made me feel better. It was nice to hear that someone was more depressed than me. It's funny how music talks to you. In "Gone Away from Me" Ray told me:

Yesterday is gone

Yesterday is dead

Get it through your head and walk away

Yesterday is gone

Ain't no use hanging on to her memory

It only causes you pain

Yes Ray, we will call this a "Lesson Learned." The walk was cleansing and healing but somehow I can't be that at peace with things in everyday life. Today I entered the angry stage. No, I'm not angry at MM for breaking it off. I knew it would happen eventually. I'm angry at MM for the way he handled it. We were friends first. I thought that he would be honest and handle things like an adult rather than avoiding the situation and letting it stew. I told him when he got back that I'd rather he be honest with me than leave me in the dark. I said that leaving me wondering was the surest way to hurt me. I realized that is exactly what he had done. Upon this realization, I went from being upset to downright mad.

I started to think of all the things that MM did and all the things that he didn't do. I was even freshly angry that MM tricked me into going to a sporting event for my birthday. Yes, that's all I got for my birthday after dating MM for 3 or 4 months. And, I don't even like sports!! I told MM that this wasn't an acceptable birthday present and he said that he would get me something else but he never did. He left and I didn't even get a card. So MM...you can bring me flowers when I'm dead and gone.

Dark Horse rides again

This weekend I had my first two meetings with the Dark Horse after I was sure it was all over. I wasn't entirely sure how things were going to go, and as a result, I was a bit skittish on Saturday, which he was observant enough to notice. I'm not entirely sure why. I essentially gave the man an ultimatum. He came through rather quickly, even though I told him exactly how I felt and what I wanted. That alone speaks volumes.

Eventually, I got over my skittishness and things returned to normal, only better. Better because we actually established that we are in fact dating and are not friends with benefits or in an imaginary relationship. (Of course, if it drags out long enough we could end up in an imaginary one, but I'll worry about that if we get there.) We also talked about squeezing in more time to see each other, including weekdays (but after bedtime), which made me quite happy.

He also said three things to me that made me like him even more:
1. On Saturday, he told me I looked pretty. This in of itself is not unusual, he tells me that all the time, but when he told me that on Saturday, I was dressed to play softball and wearing a baseball hat.
2. He said the massive surgical scar on my stomach was cute. Anyone who likes your flaws is a keeper.
3. Apparently I look sexy in a sports bra.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. I mean, I put thought into what clothes I put on (at least when other humans are around) and understand the value of mascara, but when a guy compliments you on things like this, it's pretty awesome.

Even so, while out with the girls on Saturday night (plans for our Misery Summit were set in motion before DH called on Thursday), I gave my number out to a young fellow who asked for it. Not because I really care if he calls or not, but because a little competition never hurt anyone. According to The 4-Man Plan (see Books to Help You Survive your Singletonhood, left), you should juggle at least 4 men until you make one your 3.75 man (because no man is perfect). And because as we learned last weekend, anything can happen. And does.

It's not raining men, it's just raining

I was watching TV in my pyjamas this morning while the rain poured down outside, when for the first time this year I saw the classic 'holidays are coming' Coca-Cola commercial- you all know the one. So of course that got me thinking about the holidays and how it's still far too early for Christmas stuff, which then got me thinking about being single during the holidays. This turned out to be a dangerous trail of thought. On the one hand, I'm not too bothered about being single at the moment. It's only being four months since my ex and I broke up. I do get lonely sometimes but I've far too many other things going on at the moment, dating and getting to know someone would just be a bit too much bother at the moment. But on the other hand, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that my healthy break from dating and relationships is soon going to turn into a severe dry spell. You may think this is a bit of an over reaction but, trust me, the signs of a long dry spell are all there:

1. I haven't shaved my legs in quite awhile (in my defence, I'm quite fair-haired so my legs don't look gorilla like or anything!) My reasoning? It's winter. They're covered up and I'm the only one who sees them bare.
2. My make-up routine in the morning involves lip gloss and maybe a bit of eyeliner. I'm not saying women need make-up to look attractive, but let's be honest, it helps a bit and it does make me feel more attractive. If this makes me shallow then so be it, I blame advertising.
3. My television schedule is just perfect! FlashForward, The Apprentice USA, The X-Factor, etc. I don't want any man coming along and making me watch football (soccer) whilst he shouts at the screen.
4. I prefer staying in to watch my above TV schedule then actually making an effort to get all dressed up to go out- thus drastically cutting my chances of meeting eligible men.
5. I have reverted back to my strange sleeping patterns. I am, by far, one of the worst people to share a bed with. I hog the duvet- involves wrapping myself in it and there isn't room for anybody else. I also take up most of the bed, which is fine except when there's somebody else in it- I push them out. This caused some problems with my ex. So in the year that we were together I trained myself not to be so greedy. Now though, I can sleep diagonally and wrap the duvet around me to my heart's content- and I love it!
6. I have also reverted back to being a bit of a slob...I'm a bit lazy when it comes to tidying up, putting clothes away, etc. I used to make the effort. Now, who cares? Who else shares my room? Answer: nobody.
7. I haven't been 'chatted up' as the saying goes for....an extremely long time. I can't even think of the last time. (The guy that I was chatting to the night of the drunk dial really doesn't count, he was making sure I didn't drunkenly walk into the path of an oncoming car or something equally stupid.)
8. In order to get out of a dry spell, you have to make a bit of effort and start dating. I have never dated. I don't know how to date. An embarrassing confession yes, and one for another blog entry, but without dating the dry spell will remain, but I'm too scared to do the dating thing. 'Tis a vicious circle.
9. My ex-boyfriend being such a jerk has meant I now have so many dealbreakers that the chances of meeting any guy who gets through the vetting process is slim to none. Another vicious circle.
10. And just to round this list off on the number 10...trust me, I know this is going to be a long dry spell, I feel it in my bones.

So as you can see, from the above signs it's clear that a.) I'm far too set in my ways at the moment to start seeing guys again, let alone let one into my bed and allow them use of the television remote b.) I'm not putting the effort in to date because I don't know where to start and c.) the signs of interest from guys are non-existent.

So what do I do now? My answer would be John Cusack movies, pyjamas and ice-cream. I'm guessing all of you will have a different answer. Which is fine. I'm open to options, goodness knows I need them. But I'm not giving up my tv remote, not matter what you say.

Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken

It's over....

For some time now I've known (and you've known) that it was just a matter of time before things with MM would end. Before he left for his business trip, it was fun. Even though I wasn't always happy with where things were going, I always laughed and had a good time when I was with him. The relationship hadn't fully run it's course. I felt like I needed to see it through to the end. (I mean you don't stop reading a good book three fourths of the way though, right?) On top of that, with how awful my job has been, I needed MM. We had become codependent, much like Violet and I. When I was having a bad day at work, I could text or email him and he would be supportive and cheer me up.

Well, after talking consistently while he was gone, MM returned from his business trip last week. I knew from the tone of his emails over the last few weeks, things weren't going to be the same when he returned. We hung out and conversation was easy and pretty much the same as always. Despite this everything was all wrong. We couldn't return to the carefree summer months anymore than I could turn off my feelings. I had missed him so much over the month and a half that he was gone. I wanted to cuddle. I wanted a distraction from my issues at work. I wanted some action and I could tell I wasn't going to get it.

After this I started trying to wean myself off of him somewhat. I wasn't going to be a needy girl. I saw him one more time last Sunday. We went to the movies and dinner. The movie was awful. It seemed even more strained than the last time. I think I needed this to really start letting go and move on. He kissed me goodnight, but it wasn't a passionate kiss. More out of habit than anything else. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be disinterested.

I really thought that I'd accepted that the end was here but, after a gut wrenching bout of food poisoning, here I sit feeling sorry for myself because I have no plans this weekend and I haven't heard from MM since Sunday. I'm listening to "Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken" by Camera Obscura and thinking "Is anyone ever REALLY ready to be heartbroken?" I really miss what MM and I had. I miss how easy it was to be with him. I miss our friendship. I scanned the online dating websites and didn't see anyone that I was even vaguely interested in. I'm honestly terrified that it will be years before I find someone that I'm into as much as I was into MM.

Of course itunes conveniently followed that song up with Carly Simons' version of "In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning." You may remember it from Sleepless in Seattle.

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson

You'd be his if only he'd call

In the wee small hours of the morning

That's the time you miss him most of all

At least Carrie Underwood cut me a break with the next song "The More Boys I meet the more I love my dog." I couldn't agree more. So tomorrow I'll pick myself up, brush myself off, and take my dog for a long rejuvenating walk at the park. Maybe she will pick up a hot guy for me?

London Update

I moved to London two weeks ago. I haven't meet my Mark Darcy yet. (I'll give it another week). No Daniel Cleavers either (because they're good for a bit of fun). I'm too tired to go out and socialise after work, I much prefer going home and getting into my pyjamas. I spend hours on a variety of trains each day. I've read more free newspapers then I ever have before. The highlight of the journey is seeing who the cutest guy on the escalator is. The highlight of the entire thing so far has been eye-flirting with a cute guy on the train.
I NEED TO GET OUT MORE!! One of these days it would be nice to have a guy I can write about on the blog who isn't my ex. Here's hoping!

Expect the Unexpected

Ever since Sunday, when I walked out of the Dark Horse's house and told him not to call me until he had things figured out, I've been very, very proud of myself for doing the right thing. It would have been so easy to say, "Casual? Sure, casual's cool." But I have made that mistake before, and it only led to heartbreak and months of my being closed off and guarded. And if we can't learn from our mistakes, what's the good in making them?

I knew there was a possibility that I would hear from the Dark Horse again someday, but I figured it would be just that: someday. Imagine my surprise when I returned home from a run this afternoon, a mere four days after the Incident to find that the Dark Horse himself had called. When I realized that he had called, I stopped before listening to the voicemail to remind myself that he was probably just calling me about the books we had lent each other (because that is apparently a mistake I will make more than once). His voicemail didn't mention anything about the book. It went something along the lines of, "Hi Violet, I know you told me not to call you until I had figured things out. Well, I've figured things out and I want to talk to you about it, so give me a call back."

Still, I was skeptical. So much so that before I returned his call, I called Scarlet to tell her about the voicemail, and questioned whether or not I really wanted to talk to him. I mean, I wasn't expecting to hear from him for weeks, months even. My appetite was back, so did I really want to get bad news from him now, which would surely bring back the nervous stomach? In the end, I decided to get it over with, so I called.

First, he apologized. There was something about the apology that didn't give me much hope. I don't know why, I just thought to myself, yeah, this won't be good. He started telling me about his calls overseas to the ex this week, and still I thought, this isn't going to be good. Then I heard, "I need to let go and move on."

What? Huh? Did I just hear that correctly? You're going to move on? Like, to me? I still wasn't sure as to what that meant, so I asked. (Because asking questions is a good thing.) He said that what was holding him back before is no longer holding him back. He wasn't sure if this changed anything for me, though. I explained to him that I certainly don't want to be a runner-up to someone who's just geographically undesirable. I don't want someone to be with me just because I'm here, when they would rather be with someone else. He said he understood that, but that when he's with me, he's definitely not wishing he was with someone else.

I'm beginning to think I may not be as good at reading signs as maybe I thought, so I need a little bit of help here. I told him on Sunday that I couldn't "just be casual," and not to call me until he figured it out, figuring it was highly likely I wouldn't ever hear from him again. He obviously spent some serious time thinking things over. He knows that I'm into him, I made that quite clear. And yet, he called. Quickly. That's good, right?

We made plans to see each other later this weekend. I'm cautiously optimistic. Scarlet questioned whether or not this was indeed an imaginary boyfriend situation, and no, it is not. Here's why: It's been two months since I started seeing him, which sounds like awhile, but not in this case. We've only been seeing each other on weekends, and there were weekends where we didn't see each other. We actually counted the times we've seen each other, and they didn't add up to all that much. For that reason, things won't move quickly with him, and I'm prepared for that. On top of that, I met him in a bar. Twice. I don't need to go rushing into anything just yet either.

Always Look at the Bright Side of Life

It's been two days since my CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT, and I think I've done pretty well. I may half-expect him to call or show up at my door, but I know that only happens in movies. I've avoided calling or texting him, even though there's been more than one occasion where I would have last week to tell him something funny or amusing that had happened. Yes, I think I'm doing pretty well.

In order to continue doing well, I've made a list of all the reasons why this is a good thing. The list so far:
1. He is divorced with a child. Yes, I really, really liked him, but do I really want to be someone's second wife? Or stepmother? This reason alone is worth a lot of points, so I'm going to focus on it.
2. He snores. And I'm a light sleeper and insomniac. Not a good combination.
3. His bed is uncomfortable. There is seriously a ditch in the middle.
4. This crushing disappointment will get me into really great shape. I've gone on some of my best runs of the year, powered by emotional stress. On top of that, I haven't had much of an appetite at all. My nervous stomach, which I didn't know I had until I became an adult and learned the meaning of emotional stress, makes all food unappetizing. Haven't been able to eat much besides fruit and toast since. At this rate, I'll fit into my skinny pants by Friday. (Come to think of it, I didn't have much of an appetite on Friday or Saturday either. AND I forced my students to listen to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" over and over again on Friday. Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart... Hmm, coincidence or scary premonitions? Must pay closer attention to this in the future.)

In order to take my mind off things, I threw myself into softball last night, getting myself all muddy and bruised and bloody. Does that make me weird that it felt good to get bruised and battered? Or is it just that the physical pain takes your mind off the emotional kind? I've also invited my cute neighbor to trivia tomorrow night (that's pub quiz to you Fenella), and he accepted. There it is, the road to recovery. My knee however, will be scarred for awhile.

From Zero to Crushing Disappointment in 3 Seconds Flat

Funny how life can go from happily cruising along to terribly, horribly wrong in no time flat, isn't it? Until about 10:00 this morning, I was having a stellar weekend. Then crushing disappointment set in. Let's back it up a bit...

On Friday night, the Dark Horse and I went salsa dancing. I like to salsa dance. Dark Horse had told me that he is a white man through and through and cannot dance at all. Still, it was his suggestion that we go on Friday. He said he would go and make a fool out of himself a few times before handing me over to someone who could actually dance. I was v. excited about our Friday night date, and even more excited when he said that he was excited that I was excited. It turned out to be an excellent night. I found out he really wasn't kidding when he said he couldn't dance, but it was just so damn cute that he got out there and did his best to twirl me around a few times. I really wasn't interested in dancing with anyone else. And when he found another guy talking to me when he got back from the bathroom, he put his arm around my waist to let the guy know I wasn't there alone. All was well.

It continued to be a good night all the way until early the next afternoon. That's when I took a deep breath, and told him that I wasn't interested in any imaginary boyfriends, so was he planning on becoming one? He said he didn't plan on becoming an imaginary boyfriend. All was well.

That evening, I went around to his place (for the first time). We made dinner and watched a movie. (Say Anything, on Fenella's advice) We went to bed. All was well. In the morning, he made me scrambled eggs and an English muffin for breakfast. We went back to bed, and spent a lazy Sunday morning goofing off and laughing a lot. All was really well.

Then in a lull in conversation, he said, "So Violet. If you're not interested in an imaginary boyfriend, what are you interested in?" I couldn't very well tell him that I want a wedding gown (Say Yes to the Dress is a guilty pleasure of mine...) and a baby or two, so after a few false starts, I simply explained that if it wasn't going to go anywhere, then it just shouldn't be happening. That's when he said, "Well, I can't say I'm looking for anything serious right now."

The music came to a screeching halt. My face got really hot, and I had that burning, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when something really awful has happened, and you know that no matter what happens, it can't be undone.

I didn't say anything for a awhile. Then I had to listen to him tell me how much he likes me and how much he really likes what we have. But there's always a "but." Always. He went on to explain that when we first met many months ago that he had been with someone for about a year when she got transferred overseas. They tried the long-distance thing, but that of course doesn't work out. He still talks to her though, regularly. Then he used that phrase "emotionally available" in reference to his not being it.

The entire time, I kept thinking, "This cannot be happening, this CANNOT be happening." I mean, how many times in my life do I have to hear "you're really great, but..." I mean, I was beginning to compare him to a real-life Jim Halpert. He's sweet, he's goofy and hilarious. And tall! And now he's pulling this emotionally unavailable bullshit on me?

He repeated again that he really likes what we have, and was there any chance we could just be casual? And this is where I did myself proud. I told him that I think he's kind of awesome, and that I just like him too much to be casual. Then I got up, put my clothes on, told him not to call me until he figures things out, and left. Hoorah!

Okay, so it wasn't quite that dramatic. But that's essentially what happened. As I was getting up to put my clothes back on, he asked if this meant that he shouldn't call me until he figures things out. I told him that would be for the best. I mean, the easiest thing in the world would be to say that things can continue the way they are. But this CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT that I'm feeling now would be increased ten-fold if he didn't change his mind in a month or two. And what self-respecting man would want a real girlfriend when he can have an imaginary one? We parted on good terms; with a joke or two and a hug and a kiss good-bye (because damn is he one fine kisser...)

I managed to hold it together on the way home. I think I was probably still in shock that something so promising had yet again gone so terribly awry. But when I got home to my empty house, I knew that I needed a friend and a hug, so I called McNerdy. He had plans for the afternoon, but when he heard how upset I was, he postponed them and came right over. That's when I let myself shed a few tears. But only a few, and more because someone was so willing to drop everything for me. He listened and gave me the obligatory "You're wonderful, smart, funny, and beautiful. You'll be fine" speech. To which my response was "Look how much good that's done me." Because really, girls like us do not come around every day, and when we do, men need to get their shit together! McNerdy also reminded me of the advice I gave him not long ago: The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else. Sometimes, I give pretty good advice. I think this would be a good time to be my usual charming self with that cute neighbor...

While going through this whole sordid tale with Fenella, I received a text message from the Dark Horse himself. He told me that karma is a bitch, as he had just been forced to call poison control after getting some chemical in his eye. At least he recognizes that he wronged me. I mean, if you're only looking for something casual shouldn't you say that? Do I really have to make my intentions known that early? Will this ever get easy? Does anyone have answers?

Stress relief

I know I've been MIA on the blogging front lately. Please understand that I'm finishing up grad school and I have found writing a thesis on a tight deadline to be the single most stressful thing I've ever experienced. Two and a half years have come down to two and a half weeks and I'm pushing myself to the limits. I'm taking some time off this evening to update you on my current non-thesis related situation, because honestly, my life feels like a mess right now.

Conrad and I have been pseudo-dating for a few months now, but recently our relationship has changed. I don't know if this change is for better or worse and it has left me confused and disappointed I suppose.

In the last few weeks, Conrad and I have both been really stressed. Obviously I'm consumed with my thesis, while he's being bogged down by a very demanding class, teaching 3 lab sections, and doing his own research. We're busy people so it's not surprising that we don't see each other as often as before, however, we also seem to handle stress in entirely different ways. And let's just say these ways don't exactly mesh.

I don't like to admit this, but my stress has left me in a fragile state. I need some emotional support, I need encouraging words, I need hugs, and I need stress-relief (if you know what I mean!). In general, stress just makes me act like a girl, and I HATE acting like a girl. Conrad is the opposite. He needs alone time and his own space (I think it has something to do with being an only child). He has stopped being affectionate towards me and our physical relationship no longer exists (if we were actually together I would think he was cheating on me, but I know he's not involved with anyone else). Of course, this sudden change makes me act like a girl and question our pseudo-relationship. When asked, he says he has too many things on his mind. When given the chance to just be friends, he says it's not necessary, he just has too many things on his mind.

You may see why this has left me so confused. When we are together, he seems to really enjoy being with me and acts very much the same, minus the make out sessions. Though he rarely initiates our time together, we're still having a lot of fun. It just doesn't seem like he wants to get out. For example, when I jokingly told him he had to accompany me to the 12:01 showing of New Moon, a territory where only dedicated/whipped boyfriends dare to enter, he agreed as if it were his boyfriendy duty. On the other hand, I'm not an idiot. I've read the book, and if a guy isn't physically interested in you, he just not that into you. I know that. However, he still insists this is just how he gets when stressed out.

The good news is, we're talking about it. We've agreed we handle stress differently and are trying to do better. I'm being sure to give him his space, while he's being more supportive of me. Although this is bothering me, and it is not good for my ego (girls aren't supposed to be rejected!), I don't really think it's a bad thing. This issue has definitely brought our relationship down a notch, just when I was starting to worry that I would miss him when I leave.

As this is just one more frustration to add to the list of frustrations in my life right now, I know he's not worth it. At the same time, he still makes me laugh a lot and is a great distraction. Mostly I think I'm just disappointed with myself that he even has an effect on me. Why the hell do I care, anyways? Gahhh, I hate being a girl!

The curse of the drunk dial

A couple of weeks ago I drank far too much wine. Well maybe it wasn't too much wine but it was too much to drink when all I had eaten that day was a bagel. Smart, Fenella, real smart. So there I am, in a pub having a fully animated conversation with my friend when I got the stupid idea to ring my ex-boyfriend. Don't worry, not ex-boyfriend Fergus but my other ex-boyfriend. We broke up over two years ago, it was amicable and I haven't really thought about him, I certainly don't miss him. So why the decision to call him? Let's blame the wine.

As if drunk dialling my ex wasn't bad enough, it wasn't just a five minute catch up conversation it was at least 20 minutes. The actual amount of time is a little hazy because of, well you know, the wine. And as if a 20 minute conversation wasn't bad enough, the topics of conversation were even worse because of, well you know, the wine. The next morning I text him just to apologise for ringing him when he kindly informed me of what we actually talked about. I thought it was about interviews and jobs. But no. I told him things I should not have told him, mainly things about Fergus. I may have also said that he's good looking. (He is good looking, but I didn't need to tell him that). And there were other things, but I would like to retain some of my dignity let's not go there.

Yes it was a stupid thing to do and yes it was embarassing. But the worst of it is that now my ex keeps contacting me. I've told him to please stop contacting me so much, and that I honestly have no feelings towards him whatsoever. But he's still texting. I hate cell phones sometimes.

The moral of this story? Don't drink when all you've had to eat is a bagel. And if you do, leave your cell phone at home.

My uterus feels... empty

As Grayer is quick to point out, I am the one around here feeling the pressure to settle down and reproduce. I don't deny this fact. I admit it: I have the babyache. Some of you may know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who don't, it's a little something like this: Every time you see a baby or a young child, you get this achy (empty) feeling in your uterus. And in some cases, if the baby or young child in question does something particularly adorable, you may start to get choked up, or actual tears may come to your eyes. My friends joke about it, but it pretty much sucks.

So why the sudden baby aches? Are my ovaries really drying up? (By the way, that joke gets less and less funny every time...) I still have a few years to go before I hit 30, and women are having children much later these days, so I don't really think that has to do with it. If I had to, I would pin it to one incident in particular that happened just over a year ago.

I was volunteering in South America, and on the weekends, I would volunteer at a local orphanage. The girls were adorable, and it broke my heart every time I went to leave and they got upset or asked me not to go (because everyone in their life has left them at some point). One afternoon, I was sitting on a swing with one of the younger girls in my lap. The swing functioned as a rocking chair, and she ended up falling asleep. And with that, the baby aches began.

I try to keep that to myself as much as possible though, since letting potential mates know that my uterus feels empty and my ovaries are drying up isn't much of a turn on...

If tomorrow never comes...

You may be wondering why I haven't been posting much lately. Well to put it simply, I've been in a funk. I haven't felt like posting because I haven't had anything funny and upbeat to contribute. The economy has me trapped in a job that I hate, but I've been too practical to do something drastic. So I force myself to go to work everyday, but I leave for work a little later every morning. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have panic attacks when I get to work. I go to the bathroom when I really don't need to just as an excuse to get away from my desk. Some weeks I start dreading Monday before I even leave work on Friday. Some Sundays I cry because I know that the next day I have to return to my own personal prison. I sit at a desk counting the hours, the minutes till I can leave. Some days I think will never end.

This isn't anything new. I've hated my job since I started a few years ago, but over the last few months it has gotten worse. My only friend at work found a new job. It has been months since I've been given a project even vaguely relating to my educational background and experience. I'm expected to write mind-numbing reports on topics that I know nothing about and, honestly, I would prefer that it stayed that way. As if that isn't enough, one of my project managers is very condescending and finds fault in everything I do. I'd go to my supervisor but he often makes me uncomfortable by making inappropriate comments and getting in my personal space.

I have come to the conclusion that I have to get out whether I've found a new job or not. With the shape the economy is in I'm scared shitless by this decision. So if I don't find a new job by the end of the year, I will go back to school. Somedays it seems like the end of the year will never come...

Closure

I know I swore I would never mention him again, but I'm going to have to break that promise. That's right, I'm talking about our inaugural member into the Fuckwit Hall of Shame: John Boy. You might remember John Boy. He's the one who decided to pull off a stealthy disappearance even though we were just friends. And stole two of my books in the process.

I have never heard from John Boy in any way, shape, or form since the lone phone call he gave me between his vacation and departure date, assuring me he would call soon and wanted to see me again. In fact, I've pretty much forgotten about his existence. Until last week, when his name popped up somewhere on my facebook page. I decided to give him a click and see what he's been up to. (It's not facebook stalking if you don't actively seek them out. Really.)

Imagine my surprise when I saw that he was now "In a Relationship." Not only that, but I immediately recognized the name as one of his friends he was on vacation with. If you recall, John Boy emailed me nearly everyday from his tropical location to give me updates, and on the last day sent me a final email telling me he was really looking forward to seeing me when he got home, but I was never to see him again. Now I know something happened on that last night to change that.

The good news is, when I saw this, I immediately laughed out loud. Clearly, I've moved on. Then I started to get a bit pissed. John Boy had become a very good friend to me. I always had fun with him, and liked talking to him. No, I don't do long distance relationships, but I have plenty of long distance friends. Hell, Fenella and I don't even live on the same continent, but we talk regularly. So why did he think he needed to pull a disappearance? Did he think I cared that much? Or maybe it was just that he cared that much?

While I was staring at his facebook page and laughing, I was tempted to write on his wall, "I want my books back, dammit!" but I refrained. Now I promise I will never mention him on this blog again. Really.