Breakin' up is hard enough

I read/heard/made up the fact that January is the most common month for breakups. If you think about it, it makes sense. People wait until after the holidays but well before Febuary 14th. It's also the time of year that one starts thinking about their life and the changes they need to make. In honor of the suckiness that is January, I've compiled the best ways to break it off. And by best, I do mean worst.

• The Voicemail. Ballsy enough to call, douchey enough to leave it in a message. Pro: Can pretend you never got it "Ugh, I swear this stupid phone eats my voicemails!" Con: You can replay, forward, and store it for 30 days while you wallow in a tub of ice cream.
• The Post-it note, a la Berger to Carrie Bradshaw. Pro: Short, sweet, and stickie. You can put it anywhere! Con: It's a fucking post-it note.
• The Facebook message. Facebook: the true homewrecker. Pro: Immature actions validate immature reactions.  Respond by writing on his wall: "By the way, your micropenis and mediocrity were NOT worth the herpes. Thanks a lot asshole." Even when he deletes it, rest assured at least 1-100 people saw it. Con: It's a fucking Facebook message that you'll be reminded of every time you get on Facebook.
• The text. For those with the maturity of a 13-year-old. Pro: Can have a real time conversation about it (via text), assuming he doesn't purposely send it during a time when he knows you can't answer, which let's face it, he will.  Con: You have to have a conversation via text (Not all of us have fancy phones/know how to use T9 Word/have normal size thumbs, ok?).  You can save it in your phone forever.
  
• The Disappearance. If you haven't heard from your boyfriend for a week (and he's not in the military/CIA), it's over. Pro: You never have to see his face again. Con: You'll never have closure. Ever.  Partly because you're worried he might be dead. 
  
• The Key Return. You come home to find the spare key you gave him on your coffee table and his toothbrush is missing. Pro: You don't have to worry about changing your locks. Con: No closure. It will leave you in a WTF? daze for days.
• The Bed and Break-up.  Because what better time to tell a girl how you really don't like her than when she's naked and sweaty?  Pro:  He actually told you to your face.  What a grown-up.  Con: You're naked.  No one deserves to be dumped naked.