Return of the Highlander

Don't worry, I haven't gone crawling back to the Highlander. But he just won't GO AWAY!

I was minding my own business yesterday, when my phone rang. I assumed it was Grayer, since I had left her a message earlier. Sadly, it was not. It was the Highlander. I had an internal debate that lasted a few bars of my salsa music ring tone on whether or not to answer. I really didn't want to talk to him, but I'm also incapable of ignoring a message. I figured it would just be a lot easier to answer and get it over with then to feel guilted into returning his call.

He was driving home from work, and just wanted to say "hi," since he hadn't talked to me in awhile, and wanted to see how I was doing. It was a very awkward minute and 36 seconds (I checked the time after I'd hung up). He told me he was doing well, as was his cat (the cat that I came this close to cat-napping, as he is frickin' adorable). I didn't contribute much to the conversation.

Of course I called Scarlet as soon as it was over. We both agreed that this was probably the last I would be hearing from him, as my obvious disinterest would be a big hint not to bother.

Oh, but the Highlander is not easily dissuaded. Or he is very dense. When I checked my email later that evening, I of course had an email from him. And judging by the time it was sent, he obviously went straight to his computer as soon as he got home. The email was really quite funny. He wanted to apologize for anything he may have said that upset me. Because obviously, the only explanation for my not wanting to talk to him must be that I am angry with him, not because I'm really not interested. He went on to tell me what an amazing spirit I am and that I possess a lot of qualities that most men are looking for in a woman, and he hopes that if we ever see each other again, that everything will all be water under the bridge. (The water being whatever it is that I am mad at him over, I suppose?) And the best part: He signed it "Sincerely." Sincerely! Seriously! I know he sat there and thought of that one for at least five minutes.

Because I use this blog as a form of relationship therapy, here is the email I really wanted to write back.

Dear Highlander,

I'm not really mad at you so much as I'm angry at myself for wasting three months of my life with you. (Although you did call me mean after I dumped you. Then told me every woman you've ever dated was mean. Hmmm, I can think of one common factor in all those relationships...) There were so many warning signs early on that I shouldn't have ignored. I know I said I wanted to be friends right after I dumped you. I may have meant that then, but I don't mean that now. Mostly because I realized after the physical part was gone (which wasn't all that great to begin with, but better than nothing), there was really no reason to hang out with you at all. You're right. I'm an amazing spirit. You, however, are not. I don't even think you're a spirit. In fact, I recommend that you find a doctor pronto and request a personality transplant. And make sure that comes with a few IQ points. Because no, I don't have special "pinchers" to take out my contacts. Peru was never a British colony, which is why they don't speak English there. And if you can't follow a more complex plot line than that of The Hangover, then that's a problem.

A backbone would also help. If you loved your dog so much, you really shouldn't have let your ex-girlfriend convince you to give him up. If you're a dog person, you really shouldn't get a kitten to impress the new girl (i.e., me) and then complain that the kitten runs around too much. If you aren't interested in a weekend at the beach, stay home. If church is something that is important to you, you should really mention that at the beginning of a relationship, not after you've been dumped in a last ditch effort to win some points. You're 32 years old, for crying out loud. Figure out what you want, already!

Sincerely,

Violet

Now, of course I didn't write that. But I did tell him that we clearly have nothing in common and should just go our separate ways. And I did tell him I hope he figures out what it is he's looking for. I haven't heard anything back thus far, but I really, sincerely hope we can put an end to the Highlander chapter of this blog. Seriously.