We failed the Chemistry Test

I had my first OkCupid date yesterday afternoon. It was a simple afternoon coffee date, designed to be short and therefore less awkward. That way you don't have to worry if it's not going splendidly, in just a short time, someone has to get back to work.

This date was with The Shaman, a slightly elder (by 8 years) called The Shaman because of his desire to do some shaman work in South America. (Hence is interest in me, since I lived in his country of interest.) He also told me that he's just wrapping up a book on spiritual enlightenment, and while being a shaman (holistic healing using herbs and campfires or something or another) and writing books on spirituality aren't really my thing, I said yes because this is the Year of Yes, remember?

We agreed to meet at the park, and I didn't really see anyone matching his profile photo when I spotted a guy in all leather (in March! on a 70 degree day!) checking out his reflection in his car window, and slicking back the sides of his hair with a comb (a comb!) ala Danny Zuko. "Oh dear God," I thought to myself. "If Danny Zuko is The Shaman I am running away right now, and he'll never have to know I was here." Luckily, Danny Zuko walked away without pause, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The The Shaman walked around the corner. First impressions: His profile picture is obviously a few years old. He has a lot more gray hair. And, he's short. Shorter than me.

OK, I know that this is the year of yes, and I am trying, really, really trying to be open-minded. But when I realize that a guy is shorter than me, it's a huge turnoff. And I was wearing flats. Just think if I had worn heels! And while we had a decent conversation and he did pass the pay for your date test (no, I'm not old-fashioned, but if a boy asks a girl out, he should pay for her. It works both ways. If a girl asks a boy out, she should pay for him.), there was zero romantic chemistry. I also found out that besides writing, he is also a life coach. And I think being a life coach is a sham of a profession, and I can't really get behind that.

Luckily, he emailed me later on and said that while it was nice meeting me, he realizes there wasn't any spark. Whew. Saves me the trouble. However, he then told me he was also thinking of writing a book on relationships, and would really like to get my opinion on him. Was there a certain moment when I knew there was no spark? What am I supposed to say? When I found out you were a Liliputian? I haven't answered him yet, and I'm pretty sure when I do that it won't be of much help to him. It just wasn't, you know, there.

So I'll turn my attention to my other suitors. There's Papa Smurf, whose random details were great (example: "I once threw a piece of gum into a trash can from like, 20 yards." This makes me laugh. Am I crazy?) and The Cable Guy, who shows the most promise (and who has my number, and he better use it, damnit!) and the Ham Sandwich Guy is still lurking, but we seem to be getting nowhere fast. But I'm just happy to get that first date out of the way.

100 men

My friend sent me this article of a woman who took online dating to the extreme. 100 men in 6 months. She did not kiss any of them and only agreed to a second date if she really really felt there was something there. And yes she finally did find him. Violet, are you up for this?

Question of the Week: Defining the relationship

Things are still going good with The Engineer. I listened to the advice of the WWBD advisement board (aka Violet and Grayer) and made him cookies for his birthday. They seemed to go over well! I’ve been seeing him twice a week for the last few weeks and basically talking to him daily through either the phone or email since we met in February. (He actually told me “it would be nice to see you more than once per week!” a couple of weeks ago…I didn’t know guys were capable of such openness!) The other guys I’ve dated I always either found myself annoyed that the guy didn’t call when he said he would or the other extreme, wishing he would leave me alone so I could relax/hang out with friends. One of the things I really like about The Engineer is that he seems to understand when to call but also when not to call. For example, I was visiting one of my old friends the other weekend who just went through a bad breakup and he understood that this was time I set aside for my friend.

Anyway, with some encouragement from one of my friends, I decided to invite The Engineer to a meetup activity next weekend. After asking him I realized that, as we have not defined the relationship, I don’t know what to introduce him as to my meetup friends, some of which don’t know that I’m dating anyone. The thing is that I’m pretty sure that he isn’t dating anyone else either. I talk to him frequently enough that I basically know what he is up to every night and maybe even in more detail than is necessary. (While I can certainly stomach it, I don’t really need to know the consistency of your dog’s poo!)

So I guess this Question of the Week has two parts. First, when is it appropriate to have this discussion and is the conversation even necessary? (Like Grayer, I have a friend who had the discussion with her boyfriend, who is now her fiancé, on the third date. On the other hand, I have a friend who dated a guy for several months before he introduced her as his girlfriend and later asked something like “you are my girlfriend right?”)

Secondly, what is your suggested course of action for handling this with The Engineer? Should I introduce the topic for discussion? If I forgo the “defining the relationship” conversation until later, how do I introduce The Engineer to my meetup friends?

When fools rush in

You may remember my single friend Nate. Being the only two (sane) singles in the department, Nate and I have a connection. He's the guy who will play into all of my ridiculous antics, and who, most importantly, is somehow the key to me meeting men (I met Hanging Out Guy when I was out with Nate). I love the guy but in no way have I ever wanted to date him, though in someway, I am a bit protective of him. So you might imagine my reaction, when somewhat out of the blue, he tells me he has a girlfriend.

I believe my exact words were, "WWWhhhat??" It was just a couple of weeks ago that I had mentioned to him how others were wondering why he was single. Question one, how did he go from thinking about not being single, to acutually not being single? And question two, why the hell does that not work for women?

He had confided in me last week that while I was on vacation, he had gone on a couple dates. (These dates included coffee, and watching the West Wing on DVD, which I told him were not dates). So after about two weeks, and a handful of "dates," they decide that they're dating exclusively. Is it just me or are they moving at the speed of light? To have already had that discussion, well, it just seems crazy.

After discussing this, Violet and I have noticed that we each date a guy a ridiculously long time before going exclusive with them. Take Hanging Out Guy, for example. I'm still having a lot of fun with him and things seem to be moving right along, except for the whole labeling of our relationship. We've cooked each other dinner, and I've stayed at his house on a weekday (my heat was mysteriously shut off and its too cold up North to go without). We have gone to the movies, and I've even worn sweatpants over to his house. And yet our relationship remains undefined.

Nate claims this is because him and his new gf are more mature than HOG and I. I claim this is because they are older than we are, and let's face it, she's not getting any younger, she needs to know where a relationship is going. Between Nate and I, it's hard to say who's the fool, but I am most certainly not rushing in.

Ok, Cupid. Work your magic...

I finally caved. I joined the world of online dating. (Or as one young chap I was chatting with the other day called it, "the place pretty girls go to lose faith in humanity.") Instead of going with the more notable eharmony or match.com, I opted for OkCupid, for one simple reason: it's free. I figured, what have I got to lose? Besides my dignity, of course. I really don't expect to meet Mr. Right with this thing, but Mr. Right Now will work. Besides, I need to start pulling my weight on this blog.

Thus far, I haven't had to initiate any contact, but as Scarlet tells me, you get a lot of attention when you first join, then it will supposedly die down. I need some friendly advice for a few situations.

The Tennis Ace sent me an email message with the simple question: "Do you play tennis?" That's it, nothing more. So I replied with, "Not very well, but yes, I do." I like playing tennis, but I never get to play for the very obvious factor that I need someone to play with. So finding anyone willing and able to stand on the opposite side of the court to hit the ball back is a good thing. He responded back with, "Well, that's a start. I would love to take you out sometime." Wait, what? I was expecting a 'let's hit the court' or something along those lines. Is playing tennis a prerequisite? I'm confused. Should I ignore his request? Suggest we meet for a friendly game? A little help, please.

Another guy sent me a mesage that started out with a joke about a guy being a teepee and a wigwam (because he's too tents, get it?) and declared this the reason we need to be friends (I mentioned that I like to laugh in my profile). I found this a bit lame, but after going to his profile, I found a mention of the smurfs, and I am a child of the 80s who loves the smurfs, and maybe I should give the bad joke a pass?

I was matched up with a guy who copied and pasted the wikipedia article for ham sandwich in order to complete all 500 characters in his profile (because OkC likes to harrass you about not completing your profile). This made me laugh out loud. I'm thinking of sending him a message telling him he had me at ham sandwich.

This afternoon I signed on simply to check that particular email, when I found myself chatting with three different men. (One of whom I had a promising conversation with on Monday.) A fourth one popped up, but I dismissed him due to his age. He's 19. I know I said I wouldn't turn down dates due to silly biases, but 19! A child. He can't even take me out for a drink. Federal law mandates that I turn him down.

'Atta Girl!

Grayer and I are ESPN-watching (or we would be if either of us had cable), fiercely competitive, sporty women. You would think this would make us more appealing to men, since we would have more in common, but sadly, our moves on the field don't generally get us any moves off the field. While the boys take the time to show Miss Priss how to hold a bat (oh, puh-leeeze), we already know what we're doing and are much more likely to get an "atta girl!" and a slap on the ass (and not the good kind).

Even with all this in mind, I joined a softball meetup group, and played in not one, but two games today. (Maybe I'll find my missing mojo in a place I feel so comfortable?) There were plenty of cute, twenty-something men on the team. They were super funny. Grayer would luuuuurve them (most were bearded and burly, true men's men). After being introduced to me, one guy said, "So Violet, do you have mad softball skillz?" And boy did I show him. I was constantly on base, getting hits left and right. OK, mostly to left, as it is slow-pitch and is nearly impossible not to pull the ball. Unfortunately, I've already crossed into the dangerous territory of being "one of the guys." While I didn't get any slaps on the ass, I got plenty of "atta girl"s, and plenty of fist bumps and high-fives. But what else am I supposed to do? Strike out? Let a ball go between my legs? Oh, the humiliation! I honestly don't know how to take it down a notch when playing softball. Perfect example: I scored from second today on a sac fly. BAM! Did I get some serious fist bump action after that one. *sigh* If only fist bump action were a metaphor for a different kind of action...

Missing: Violet's Mojo

It has come to my attention, that I've lost something. Something very, very important in the life of any singleton: my mojo. Once upon a time, I had good mojo. I was single, but I certainly didn't reek of desperation, and I got a fair amount of attention from men. At some point in the last year, my mojo abandoned me. I'm hoping it's just on extended vacation and will return shortly. I blame it on South America (oh my God, what if it's lost somewhere on the continent and can't find it's way home?). Wearing the same practical traveling clothes day in and day out, not showering or washing my hair for extended periods of time will take the mojo right out of you. So throw me a bone here, how do I get my mojo back? I'm attempting to get some back tonight. I put on some scandalous underwear, shaved my legs, (and not just below the knees, either) and am going salsa dancing. If this doesn't work, I don't know what will. Help!

Dating Etiquette

I’ve been dating The Engineer for about a month now and things seem to be going well. I admit that I had a brief commitment phobic setback last week following an uncomfortable conversation in which he asked me about my past relationships. I changed the subject…while I don’t really have anything to hide, I wasn’t prepared to have that conversation yet and especially not in a public place. When we do have that conversation I will have to admit that, while I have dated, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I feel this is a bit out of the norm for a girl in her mid-twenties and I’m somewhat self-conscious about it. Is it possible for the lack of relationship baggage to be just as weighty? Afterward, I found myself questioning whether I’m really into him or if my interest is partly related to my three year drought. I have since recovered from this setback and decided that it was likely more related to my fear of entering into unknown territory than my interest in The Engineer.

As part of the same conversation The Engineer very hesitantly and awkwardly asked me if I was bothered by our age difference. (He is about four years older than me.) Considering that I knew his age before I met him, I thought the answer was kind of obvious but I assuaged his concerns. As a result of this conversation, I learned that his birthday is this month. Which of course raises the question, do I get him a gift? If so what is an appropriate gift to give someone you have only been dating a month? What would Bridget do? I was thinking about getting him a movie that we talked about and we both want to see. I would welcome any advice.

Mr. Bater

You know all those people you see doing crazy things while driving? Like putting on their make-up or reading a book, or texting? (I saw someone texting and driving the other day; it made me so mad.) Well, I've got one that will top them all. While driving home from work today on a major interstate, in broad daylight, I noticed the man behind me in my rearview mirror was clearly masturbating. How do I know? His hands were most definitely not at the 10 and 2 position if you know what I mean, and his left (he's a lefty!) arm was involved in some very vigorous action. There's really only one thing he could have been doing.

It was like a train wreck. I wanted to look away, and I had to look away as I was driving at 70mph and did not want to die in a firey car wreck, all thanks to a driving masturbater. Was he listening to something saucy on the radio? Perhaps an erotic audio book? Or does he just get off on weaving in and out of traffic? Luckily, the world may never know...

Lost in a sea of unavailable men

This evening I followed the ex-IB to a home-based brewery, not because I like beer (I don't), but for some socializing. (Told you I was going to use him to meet new people.) From the outside, it looked to be an ideal situation for me. I was one of maybe 4 women in attendance, with at least 30 twenty-something men. How lucky could a girl get? Not that lucky, apparently. It felt like all but 3 or 4 of them were married. (Including McNerdy who is clearly damaged goods.) And the small handful of single men were probably under the impression that I was there with him. I mean technically I was, but we weren't together. Which begs the question: How do you hang out in public with a guy friend and make it known you're still available? (And in case you're wondering, I was not glued to his side all night, I did manage to mingle with several other men without him around, albeit ones with rings on their fingers. Argh.)

Playing the Friend Card

My current roommate is an old friend of my ex Imaginary Boyfriend (or McNerdy). The other day, we were enjoying a slice at our neighborhood pizza joint when suddenly, out of the blue, she asked, "Have you ever dated McNerdy?"
"Um, well, yes. Why do you ask?"

Turns out, another friend of theirs admitted to having dated him, but only long after their romance ended. And he certainly never mentions to ANYONE that a friend might be more than a friend, which is why my roommate posed the question in the first place. You won't get that information from him. That's when I pointed out what I've noticed over the last few months. I had always known that an unusually large percentage of his closest friends are female (including yours truly) but now that I've met a few of them or at least seen photos of the others, I've noticed that they also happen to be very attractive. Not supermodels, mind you, but more attractive than the average-looking person. I pointed this out to my roommate, who agreed, (apparently we both have very high opinions of ourselves) then we both wondered, "So how many of them has he dated?" (In case you're wondering, he has never dated my roommate.) Also turns out we both suspect he has a thing for a co-worker of his. She has a boyfriend, but does he accumulate attractive female friends hoping to play the friend card for awhile, then swoop in to pick up the pieces when their current relationships go up in flames? It just so happens that I was in a relationship when I met McNerdy. Sure enough, as soon as things were officially over, there he was, cashing in his friend card and being all sweet and sensitive.

Perhaps the roomie and I should start asking his friends as we meet them about their relationship history. I am determined to get to the bottom of this.

Predator vs. Prey

Smug marrieds. The vain of my existence. The thorn in my side. The pain in my arse. The reason I need new friends.

I was recently out for celebratory margaritas with my two friends, 8-year-Lisa and 2 year Mary. They are not married, but they do have the smug married mindset. Lisa loves to live vicariously through me, a sure Vicarious Vulture asking for all details of a makeout sesh, while Mary is more of a Pitier, feeling sorry for anyone who hasn't found that special someone.
We got to talking about some of our coworkers, including our one friend Nate. He's a really nice guy, who happens to be the one and only single male we work with. Now, we have long since past them trying to get him and I together (Apparently to them, if a single man and a single woman even so much as know each other, then surely they should date for many years. What else is there to do with your life?) but somehow his single status returned to the conversation. Mary, who has a habit of asking dumb questions, asked one of the dumbest I've ever heard.

"Why do you think Nate is single?"

Hold the phone. Now we have to have reasons for being single??? What the hell?!
My response: "There's no reason. Why do you think I'm single?"
The prey immediately knows she is in danger of an attack as she slinks back into her chair. "Um, because you're not currently looking and haven't found anyone yet...." She trails off with a softened voice. The predator eyes her prey, as Lisa swoops into rescue the vulnerable with a joke. Mary stumbles to save herself, begging for her life, mumbling something about people needing time to themselves. Time to be single, to become confident and comfortable with themselves before they can be comfortable with anyone else. My eyes narrow.

Are you freaking kidding me?? This little girl next to me, who happens to be in therapy, is telling me that I need to be more comfortable and confident. Come on. Even the delusional 8-year-Lisa knows this is bogus. "Right, like Grayer needs more confidence." Exactly. I continue to lock eyes with my prey. I taste her fear. I sense her weakness, but slowly I retreat. I have Singletons to represent, so let's not release the crazy in my new favorite Mexican restaurant. Mary may have a point for all those serial monogamist who are never without another half. But I am not that girl. There is no particular reason I am single, I just am. And if I'm ok with that, smug marrieds should be too. What bothers me most about this question is that I can guarantee that in my absence, Mary has asked the exact same question about me.

I had to will myself to back off from pouncing on my prey. No sense in dragging the good Singleton name through the mud. So I sipped my margarita as I chose my words very carefully, in response to her ridiculous accusations.

"That is such a load of crap."

My name is Grayer..and I'm a closet commitment phobe

Be prepared, I'm going deep on this one.

I've recently been advised, by the great ladies of WWBD?, to figure out where my hanging out relationship is going exactly. Hanging Out Guy grows on me every time I see him, but to have an actual conversation about what this thing we're doing is? Ugh. That sounds awful. The problem is, is that I'm not ready for that type of commitment. (Yes, I do realize that I often have the emotions of a man). I'm not ready to stop seeing him, but I'm definitely not ready to call him my boyfriend. Therefore, I would have no answer for him. And seeing that an Imaginary Boyfriend (what this is quickly turning into) is the worse scenario possible, I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I can think of many excuses as to why I'm ok with where we are right now, but that's just what they are: excuses. In reality, it comes down to one thing, just like it has every in any other pseudo-relationship: poor timing. Every time I've ever met someone worth my time, there has always been a looming change, usually in the form of a move, in the near future. So from the very beginning I have known or at least I have planned, that these relationships weren't going anywhere. Why fully invest yourself into something with no future? It's happening all over again with Hanging Out Guy as I will definitely be graduating and most likely be moving within this calendar year.

So the question is, why does this always happen to me? Is it karma? We all know karma is a bitch, and let's face it, I've done some shit. Is karma preventing me from meeting a guy when I actually have time to invest into a guy? Or is it me? Do I only allow myself to be emotionally available when I know nothing can come out of it? Am I... a closet commitment-phobe?

I may be getting ahead of myself with this particular case, but historically speaking, there is strong evidence for this correlation. It would explain a lot. In my defense, admitting you have a problem is the first step. I wonder if there's a support group for this sort of thing...

Question of the Week: New Year's follow-up

It's March 1, which seems a good time to reassess those New Year's Resolutions (whether we believe in them or not) and check out progress.

As for mine...

I will...
-get a job. A real one, with health insurance. (Preferably in the first two months of the year.)
Not only did I get a job, I got three, and the two major ones were on the very last day of the second month of the year. Talk about bringing it down to the wire. None of them offer benefits, but I think I can take care of that. I would really enjoy the freedom of spraining my ankle or accidentally cutting myself in the kitchen and being able to go to the ER for that.
-buy new underwear, as has been so long since anyone saw my underwear, it is probably all out of style
As soon as I get that first paycheck, I'm going out on a true panty raid. I really think there is something to be said about underwear feng shui.
-find a way to tame the frizzies in my hair
Turns out it wasn't completely impossible (but I haven't yet gone through the southern summer). With a bit of a haircut, a combination of SunSilk anti-poof shampoo and captivating curl leave-in creme, (or straighten-up conditioner, a hair dryer and flat iron if I want to go straight) my hair actually looks pretty damn good. I know so because a hair snob friend of mine told me so, and she is brutally honest about that sort of thing.
-say yes to all date offers, no matter what my initial opinion of the offerer
I'm new in town, but now that I have employment and will soon have new panties, I will get started on this one ASAP.

I will not..
-have any imaginary boyfriend, but instead form a functional, two-sided relationship with a real member of the opposite sex (therefore having a purpose for the new knickers)
I've been hanging out with my imaginary ex a lot, but it's strictly platonic on every possible level. Besides, in the year+ that I've been gone, he's become quite the social butterfly. I need him to expand my social circle.
-Spend hours analyzing the body language and the "hidden meaning" in the words spoken by eligible bachelors with Scarlet, but instead find various other topics to spend hours talking about, like, um... politics?
I think we're making excellent progress on this one.
-not get angry with mum when she asks me stupid questions like, "Have you changed your sheets lately?" as if I am an 8-year old incapable of taking care of myself, but instead use it as an opportunity to find my inner zen-like qualities
Moving to a different state definitely improved this one drastically.
-judge eligible bachelors by the number of tattoos or holes in their bodies, academic credentials, political beliefs, or their baseball team of choice, but rather be open and simply grit my teeth while they list all the reasons why Derek Jeter is a "true Yankee."
This is still a work in progress, but thanks to A-Rod, Jeter has not had a chance to annoy me at all this spring. Progress!

My three year drought

In order for you to fully understand the significance of recent events, I must make a somewhat embarrassing confession…

This January marked the three year anniversary of my last kiss. Sadly, the last guy I kissed was the Premature “I love you” guy. And before you assume that this three year drought was due to lack of effort on my part, I’d like to state for the record that I have been on numerous dates since then and put forth an honest effort to meet snoggable men (Exhibit A: My Adventures in Online Dating). Also, while I’m not overly self confident when it comes to men, I refuse to believe that my bad luck with relationships (or lack thereof) is due to my appearance or personality. I am clearly awesome and worthy of bold declarations of love as demonstrated by the Premature “I love you” guy.

Anyway, I have been talking to The Engineer consistently, through email and phone, since my first date with him last week. Thus far, all signs tell me that he is just that into me. This is new for me but somehow we have maintained the right balance between me feeling completely smothered and feeling insecure about whether or not he is interested. (I am an independent woman, complete without boyfriend!)

So, I had my second date with The Engineer this weekend. (Note that this fulfills one of my New Years Resolutions. Hoorah!) We went to dinner and then back to his place to watch a movie. During the movie we cuddled; however, this was partly out of necessity as his giant dog was hogging a majority of the couch. And to my great surprise he kissed me at the end of the movie! (If it wasn’t for my three year drought, I doubt I would have been surprised by this occurrence.) Some snogging did ensue and I am happy to report that there were no uncomfortable declarations of love or heavy breathing!

In closing, I’d like to take a moment to thank The Engineer for ending my three year drought.