Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hi. My name is Violet...

Despite my reservations about Bachelor #6 (aka The Dropout), I agreed to go out to dinner with him this evening. Not that there was anything wrong with him. He just didn't excite me.

Over the weekend, he asked me if I liked to spend a lot of time on the weekends in bars. I told him no, and he said that was a good thing, as he doesn't drink at all. Apparently, he used to drink a bit much, so now he doesn't. I wasn't really sure what to think about that, but I figured lots of people drink in their youth, and good for him for growing up. But while we were walking through the neighborhood, licking ice cream cones, he says, "So I really need to tell you... I'm in AA, I'm a recovering alcoholic." Oh. Wow. I listened in what I believe was a very understanding manner while he told me about his alcohol- and drug- riddled past, but the entire time, I was thinking of that episode of Sex and the City, where Carrie starts dating an AA member, even though he wasn't supposed to get involved with anyone for awhile, and he replaces his alcohol addiction with a Carrie addiction, and he ends up outside her apartment screaming CARRIE! I was suddenly really glad I met him at the restaurant, instead of allowing him to pick me up. So when he asked me if I had any questions, I asked him about that. Apparently, he's in the clear, as he's been sober for two years now, and has been in a relationship since (with another AA member).

Now, I'm very happy for him that he's been clean for two years, finally finishing up school and is getting his life back on track. I admitted to him that I'm squeaky clean (to which he said "Good, that's what I'm looking for"), because really, I am. I've never smoked anything in my life, and I don't drink to get drunk. Boring? Maybe, but that's the way it is. If I were really into a guy, I'm sure I could look passed his sordid past, but The Dropout just isn't it. And yet, even though I knew this, when he gave me a kiss on the cheek, and told me that he would call me, I said, "Sure!" It just came out. Now I totally understand why men say "I'll call you" when they don't really mean it. It's just what you say at the end of the date. You know, like that episode of Friends (do I watch too much TV?) where Chandler tells Rachel's boss he'll call when he has no intention of calling.

And he will call. Thus far, he's called when he said he would call, and even when he didn't say he would call. Stay tuned to see how I get out of this one.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Playlist: I could just kill a man

In honor of recent fuckwittage, I propose a new playlist. What songs remind us not to wallow over him not calling, but to be pissed that he's idiot enough not to call. An angry Men-are-the-scum-of-the-earth playlist would just be lovely these days. Suggestions?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Getting back in the game...

I decided to be the bigger person and not email The Engineer. One of my friends said by not responding the ball stays in my court. I'm not really sure what I can do with this power at this point but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me.

Now that it is too late I kind of regret not emailing The Engineer back. I know that it wouldn’t have changed anything but it was all so sudden and I feel like his email robbed me of complete closure. This is going to sound somewhat pathetic but, despite The Engineer being a complete fuckwit at the end, I still kind of miss him. Even if I wasn’t that into him I still really liked him and I had fun with him.

So now that The Engineer is out of the picture I’m back on match in search of a guy I’m not only compatible with but who I’m also attracted to. (By the way, I hate that I’m now comparing other guys to The Engineer.) Within a day or two receiving the email from The Engineer, I updated my profile and contacted a handful of guys. Of course only a couple replied. Here is a roll call of those in the running at the moment:

  • The Accidental Date Guy – The weekend after things ended with The Engineer I was trying to make plans for the evening. I was talking to one of my guy friends from meetup group thinking that we were going to invite other people. It wasn’t until the last minute that I realized that he might not have been thinking the same thing. I asked him if I should see if other people wanted to join and he said “no I think we can handle this ;-)”. Crap!! So I went on the “date” and it was fun. However, he was moving out of town in a couple of days and a couple months later he will be moving out of the country for several years. (Plus, I hadn’t thoroughly facebook stalked him and my friend informed me later than he has a toddler.) He did call and text me the day after the date though.
  • The German – I have been talking to this guy on match who lives near where I work. He seemed really interesting at first but some of his emails recent emails have been a little boring and his comments make me think that we might not be compatible. As English is not his first language and he seems interested in me, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I suggested meeting and he said he would like that and is free this week. He did lose points suggesting that we meet during the week so that I wouldn’t have to drive up on a weekend. (I commute to work.) Seriously? He could have at least pretended he was willing to meet me half way.
  • The Country Boy – The guy contacted me on match. He fishes, hunts, watches Nascar, loves his pickup truck and makes his own furniture. He seems interesting and I’m not entirely opposed to the country boy type but Nascar and hunting definitely aren’t hot.

So here it goes again...dating is so exhausting...

Sunday, April 26, 2009

100th Post!

My math may be shoddy (I was an English major, you know), but that last post was #99, making this #100. Thanks to our two readers, who really make this possible. Here's to another 100 posts of fuckwittage, bad dates, good dates, smug married complaints, singletonness, compilation mood playlists, and adventures in searching for a real life Jim Halpert. Mazel tov, ladies.

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

Forgive me if I ramble, but I'm still in a bit of shock. As you know, I met Halpert last week, and it was kind of awesome. He sent me a "Have a great day" text on Tuesday, then called on Wednesday, which was also kind of awesome, and we made plans to go out on Friday. He asked if I had any other food aversions (I have a lot), so he would know what kind of place to take me to. He made me laugh, ne', giggle. Then he called me again Thursday afternoon, just because he knew I had several hours to kill between my classes. (I was bra shopping at the time, which I decided I shouldn't tell him; it may give him unrealistic expectations regarding our date.) Needless to say, I was really looking forward to our date on Friday.

Then on Friday, just as I was about to start getting ready, he called with bad news. Something came up, and he had to go baby-sit his 2-year-old niece. He sounded genuinely disappointed, and wanted to make a plan to reschedule right away. I figured this was probably a good sign, since he a.) actually called, as opposed to texting and b.) rescheduled right there on the phone. So while I was seriously disappointed, I couldn't really be made at him. I mean, he was baby-sitting his niece. That's kind of adorable.

This afternoon, I was talking to Scarlet while I waited for him to call and tell me what time he was going to pick me up, when I received a text message. It was from him.

I'm going to be honest...

Shit. Nothing, nothing NOTHING good can possibly come from these words, not after one date. It's The Kiss of Death and ranks right up there with "We need to talk." I didn't want to read on, but I did.

I just became serious with someone I've been dating, so I don't think it's fair that we see each other anymore. You're a great person, the timing just wasn't right.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity fuck. (Scarlet and I also noticed that, for two people who rarely swear in real life, we really let loose on this blog. That's what dating will do to you, I guess.) I was- and still am- seriously bumming, but as Scarlet pointed out, at least he told me this after one date, and not after seven weeks. But of course, the signs were there, I just chose to ignore them. Remember when he didn't call me for five days and Baltimore Dan told me to pick up the phone? And when he called to "postpone," he suggested Sunday as a make-up date, as opposed to Saturday. My guess is he and this other girl decided to become exclusive on Saturday night. So yes, the timing sucked. What if I had contacted him earlier? We were both aware of each other's existence for a few weeks before either of us made contact. And what if we had gone out again on Friday and I had been given a second chance to impress the pants off of him? (Not literally, of course, I'm not that kind of girl.) I realize that you're probably screaming at the computer screen right now that he was LYING, but I think that if he was indeed lying to me on Friday, that someone should call the Academy and get this man an Oscar. Yes, it is a possibility, in which case he is a complete and utter fuckwit. But if life mirrors Sex and the City (without the fabulous shoes) then I am a Charlotte, and I remain hopeful. And it's easier to do that when I think the stars just simply didn't align on this one.

At first, I decided I wasn't going to respond. But after cooling off a bit, I sent him a "thanks for the early heads up, good luck!" text. If nothing else, this will show him how cool I really am, and if things don't work out, he will be that much more likely to call me. Not that I will be sitting around waiting for the call.

But at least for today, you can find me eating Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, listening to the S.A.D. playlist, and contemplating how the hell I'm going to get those stars to align.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I'd take the brother

Yesterday, on a beautiful Friday afternoon I sat through a typical lab meeting.
Instead of my mind wandering to being outside, or of my evening plans with HOG, my attention was completely captivated by the fine specimen sitting at the head of the conference table. Talk about eye candy. Think Emmett Cullen, minus the curls, and this is exactly what you get, (and yes hotter than the one in the movie). Dark complexion, brown eyes, dimples, personality and don't forget the body. Yum.

As I was staring at him (and might I mention that he kept making eye contact with me and smiling) there were a couple of things I tried to keep in mind.
  1. Emmett is an undergrad in my lab, my undergrad to be exact, and therefore I am his superior.
  2. He looks extremely good in dress clothes
  3. Not only is he a sophomore in college, but he's a sophomore frat boy, who's not yet 21.
  4. I vividly remember seeing him without his shirt on when we played water polo. And it was good.
  5. He usually smells like he needs to reapply some deodorant.
  6. With body odor in mind, I think it would be perfectly acceptable to hire him over the summer to do yardwork, while I sat and watched from the safety of the deck.
Ok, so it would be somewhat inappropriate to have relations with this guy. And yes, when I was a senior in college, he was a senior in high school. And no he can't even buy me a drink.

Though in my defense, my ex-imaginary boyfriend was also my undergrad/frat boy and that wasn't inappropriate. And ok, he was my age and there was a lot of fuckwittage in the end, but when it was good, it was gooooood (and totally worth it).

So forgive me for wanting to have some fun while I'm young. A girl has needs. It really won't be too much longer before I'll just be a creepy cougar hiring 20-year-olds to do lawnwork.

So I'll just keep thinking about making out with him, and the very large hole I may need dug for no apparent reason in my backyard. I blame the heat. I makes me so....delirious..

(And yes, Hanging Out Guy is good, thanks for asking).

Friday, April 24, 2009

Sexfoliation

6p.m. Completely exhausted by entire day of date-preparation. Being a woman is worse than being a farmer- there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done: legs to be waxed, underarms shaved, eyebrows plucked, feet pumiced, skin exfoliated and moisturized, spots cleansed, roots dyed, eyelashes tinted, nails filed, cellulite massaged, stomach muscles exercised. The whole performance is so highly tuned you only need to neglect it for a few days for the whole thing to go to seed. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if left to revert to nature-with a full beard and handlebar moustached on each shin, Dennis Healey eyebrows, face a graveyard of dead skin cells, spots erupting, long curly fingernails like Stuwwelpter, blind as bat and stupid runt of species as no contact lenses, flabby body flobbering around. Ugh, ugh. Is it any wonder girls have no confidence?

-Bridget Jones's Diary
This has got to be one of my favorite passages from BJD. It. is. so. true. The sexfoliation process is a brutal one. And why, oh why, do those spots seem to appear just in time for a date? Like clockwork, a spot erupted on my face, just in time for a critical date with Halpert. And I, like Bridget, have often wondered what I would be like if left to nature, most commonly when watching Lost. If I were stuck on an island (pre-time travel when they didn't have runing water), I would be scarier than the smoke monster. (Seriously producers, give Kate a pimple every now and then.) But, as there is 7 hours until said date, I have 7 hours to sexfoliate. Bring it on!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Violet's Cyber-Dating Hall of Shame: First Round Inductees

I wouldn't call myself a veteran of the cyber dating world, but I've met up with 6 eligible bachelors in the last four weeks. Bachelor #6 seemed to me to be a complete failure- not only did he not pay for my hot chocolate, it turns out he attended the same Institute of Higher Education that Scarlet and I did, but only for one semester. Why only a semester? "I hated it," was his answer, and in my head I thought, "OK, this clearly won't work out." However, the next morning I received a text message from him (followed shortly after by a text message from Halpert), and even though I didn't respond to the text message, he called me later on in the evening. Clearly I made more of an impression on him than I intended. I'm going to have to turn down the charm...

Anyway, I've met 6, but have been contact by countless others. Some of them have been intriguing, others have been eye-roll inducing and laughable. So without further ado, I introduce the inaugural class of Violet's Hall of Shame.

1. Mr. Troubleicious: The name alone may be worthy of induction, but with Mr. Troubleicious, it just keeps getting better. He sent me an email with the subject line: You're cute. Email message: But you're not THAT cute :P What are 2 things about your personality that make you fun to hang out with? Lots of pretty girls on here, personality counts!

As if he doesn't need to impress me. But wait, there's more. This is taken straight from his profile: YOU: I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings. I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both! :)
Only message me if you are SANE, NO PSYCHOTIC WOMEN, I will cultivate you from my social garden so fast its not worth it for you. I know what I want and am a extremly picky person.

I'm confused. Isn't he seeking emotional chaos? Won't psychosis help him achieve that? Congratulations, Mr. Troubleicious, here's a golden douche bag to commemorate your induction.

2. Red Lion: The entertainment factor can only go downhill from there, but Red Lion gives it the old college try. He writes: You intrigue me i think you might be more interesting than you limited profile leads me to believe. for instance ...you are a virgo. So am I. You enjoy travel, and i want to have friends/contacts in many different countries. i also love your hair ....ok thats enough for you to have a first impression of me. lets see if you respond and possibly we could continue this conversation.

You're right. You loving my hair really does give me a solid impression of you. What more do we need? A quick look at Red Lion's profile tells us that he's also in the search for "casual encounters," i.e. sex partners. And that's why he's a first ballot Hall of Shamer!

3. The Very Clearly Old Man: This one comes courtesy of my friend Penelope, who is a bit of a veteran. Tired of hearing from Dirty Old Men, she posted an age requirement on her profile. This is a response she received:
"who are you to tell some one about age? u need to get off this site worrying about age diffrence? if u wanna act like that you will be single young lady! age appropriate? you beeter go get a job and pay some bills before u go telling someone about age"

Snap! She got told!

If nothing else, this online dating endeavour is worth it for sheer entertainment value.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Fuckwittage confirmed: Part 2

Continued from "Fuckwittage Confirmed"...

Yes that’s right The Engineer emailed me!! (I deserved a call at the very least, right?) And no, he did not have a good excuse for ignoring me five days. This was indeed a simple straightforward case of fuckwittage!

After saying that he “thinks” he decided that we shouldn’t go out anymore, The Engineer’s email went on to say that he had fun the “couple” of times we went out but he didn’t feel that click. He also revealed that he had his heart broken a few months ago and said that he needed to get out and meet new people. (This was news to me.) He placated me by saying that I’m pretty, smart, and caring and he is probably the one losing out.

The Engineer’s email may have been appropriate (and even flattering) should I have received it after one or two dates but after you get to the point where you no longer know exactly how many dates you’ve been on, an email is clearly not acceptable. I do kind of agree with his point that we didn’t “click.” While we got along really well, what we had was more friend chemistry than romantic chemistry. Even now I feel kind of guilty saying this but I wasn’t as attracted to The Engineer as I thought I should be. I had fun with him and felt more comfortable with him than the other guys I’ve dated so I figured I would give it a chance…I thought maybe with time it could grow into something more. My dad is always telling me I’m too picky and I can’t expect life to be like a romantic comedy. I didn’t want to prove him right.

As for the rest of The Engineer’s email…I understand if he wants to get out and meet people after a bad break up but is a dating website really the place to look? Furthermore, this is the guy that told me that he wanted to see me more. His behavior prior to the cancelled date in no way implied that he wanted to be out there dating lots of people.

Despite my annoyance with The Engineer’s email, I must say that I felt an enormous sense of relief. Sure I was a little disappointed but it was liberating to know with complete certainty that it was really over and I could officially move on. Last week I was still kind of adjusting to not having The Engineer in my life. I had grown used to talking to him daily and I kind of missed him. If he had handled the break up appropriately and not acted like a complete fuckwit, I think I would have even suggested that we try to be friends. (I couldn't help but wonder after all that time if The Engineer was able to send his cowardly email and then move on without a second thought.)

I have not yet decided if I should email The Engineer back and call him out on his fuckwittage as a public service to our fellow singletons. What would Bridget do?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Why is this so f@*#ing hard?

The Dating Game. (And it is a game.) I don't get it. Why is it so difficult? Grayer doesn't know what's up with Hanging Out Guy, The Engineer pulled a disappearance on Scarlet, and the only guys I can get to call me back are the ones I'm not interested in. Seriously. We are attractive, intelligent women. This should be easy. Would it be easier if we were ugly and stupid? (Actually, it might be easier if we were MORE attractive and stupid.)

My 4-date week has yielded nothing. I thought things were looking up with The Cable Guy, and last Sunday night, I called him to see if he wanted to grab lunch that week, which I didn't think was too awkward considering we work so close to each other and we both eat. He was busy at the moment but he still 1.) answered the phone and 2.) said he would give me a call back later when he was free. That was a week ago. Still no call. Conclusion: Fuckwit.

John Boy is the total opposite. After our burger date, he said he would call tomorrow. Not only did he call tomorrow, but he called me at exactly 5:03pm, as soon as he got off work. He suggested lunch the next day, and I agreed. Yes, I had a fun time. Yes, I want to hang out with him again. However, the attraction still wasn't there just yet. And yes, he said he would call the next day, and he did. Over our lunch, though, he did let me know that he would be moving in July. So when he did call me back the next day, I let him know that while I really do enjoy hanging out with him, I couldn't start something that would be temporary at best. (I don't do long-distance. It's a rule I have.) He wasn't offended and did say that he still hopes to hang out with me, though he probably wouldn't pay for me anymore. I think I've got a new friend, which is never a bad thing.

As I told you on Friday, Halpert has some promise. He said he would call me "tomorrow." Tomorrow came and went and no phone call. I was about to put him in The Cable Guy's category when he called on Sunday. I know this could be a sign of things to come, but I'll take it with a grain of salt. While he didn't call on Saturday, he did call before the weekend was out. Plus, the guy hasn't met me yet, so I don't think I can really expect him to put me at the top of his priority list, can I? If he's as good as his word, we should be getting together for dinner next weekend. (Our schedules don't really mesh during the week.)

In the meantime, I have yet another coffee date tomorrow with another guy. I should really be keeping a tally sheet.

*************************** UPDATE ******************************************
Not long after he first called me, Halpert called again. His plans with friends fell through, and did I want to get a drink? I got ready in record time, as he was already in my neighborhood, and off we went. He dropped me off over three hours later. I'd say it went pretty well. He opened the car door for me and walked me to my front door when we got home. (Funny story: The first boy who opened a car door for me was The Heavy Breather, and I was so unaccustomed to it, I didn't know what he was doing and assumed he needed to get something out of the passenger seat. That kind of killed it.) Ah, southern boys.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Baltimore Dan Saves the Day!

I received some blindingly obvious boy advice from an actual boy today. I've been in contact with Halpert, who asked for my number over the weekend. I gave it to him, and he used it within 24 hours. (v. good sign) We talked for a full hour; about everything and anything. He sounds like a winner: he works with kids in an after school program, spent time in culinary school, has a charming southern accent, and has read Twilight for crying out loud (and before you cock that eyebrow Grayer, let me just point out that he works with 6th graders, and as someone who has recently worked with 6th graders, there isn't much else that 6th graders talk about. The curiousity will eventually get to you.) We even discovered we were at the same concert two years ago, which really goes to show you, you can meet people just about anywhere. You just usually don't.

That was Monday. By Friday, I still hadn't heard anything more from him. So I turned to one of my best guy friends, Baltimore Dan, for advice. I laid out the situation, and when I was finished, he said:
BD: Girls are allowed to call too, in my book.
Vi: But all the books I've read said not to call.
BD: Yeah, the thing is, guys don't read those books.
Vi: (laughs out loud, slaps self on forehead, has Peter on the road to Damascus type epiphany) Huh. So, if a girl called you on a Friday afternoon to ask how your week was, you wouldn't think that was pathetic?
BD: Absolutely not.

Baltimore Dan then went on to point out that every guy is different, and the dating books aren't necessarily universal. Then he told me to throw them away. The thing is, it makes perfect sense to me to call 50/50. He calls, I call, he calls, I call. But I felt like I was reading differently. Maybe I was reading wrong? But Baltimore Dan made it sound so simple. "So call him, leave him a message if you have to, and if he doesn't call back, that's that." He did, however, caution me to only call once, but he needn't worry about me.

So I did. And Halpert actually answered the phone. He was on his way to teach the Future of America, but we chatted for a bit until he got there. Then he asked if I would be around to chat some more later this evening (I have plans) and told me he would call back tomorrow. So, I guess if he doesn't, that's that. Thank you, Baltimore Dan.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Spring fever

Spring is not the only thing in the air. Blame it on the start of baseball season, miniskirt sporting fluzzies or seasonal allergies, but along with this new warm weather is an even more alarming trend: noncommittal fuckwittage. Scarlet isn't the only one experiencing the disappearing act. It is mating season afterall, but it seems The Engineer is not going against nature alone.

Last week I suspected I'd hardly be seeing Hanging Out Guy now that the Red Sox are in season. Turns out I was right, though I don't know if it really has to do with the Sox. He hasn't disappeared completely, but I find that he may be fading fast.

Thus far, our relationship has been as questionable as the Riddler, so it is no surprise that I am yet again confused. We've been hanging out for a few months now, and although we have taken steps forward, we have never had a destination in mind. Not dating, yet not quite friends with benefits either. I was quite content with this situation until I recently realized that he doesn't call me anymore. We've always been give and take with making contact but lately I've been the one calling him. I realized this on Friday night when after previously discussing doing something, he instead went out with his friends and never called. A) We kind of agreed to do something and B) He used to invite me out with his friends. Then I surprised myself. I got pissed.

I don't know why it angered me, he's obviously not my boyfriend and he can obviously do anything he wants. (I'd like to blame it on stress. Today, for instance, I walked around work wearing two completly different shoes without noticing). Don't worry, I didn't call and bitch him out. I read and went to bed early (It was quite nice, actually). Low and behold, he called me the next day to play frisbee golf, confusing me further.

So as of Saturday night, when he preferred to stay home, I resolved not to call him. If I learned one thing from He's Just Not That Into You, it's if a guy wants to see you, he'll see you. He won't wait around for you to call. This weekend will be the true test (since I don't usually talk/see him during the week). Maybe he's just not that into me, maybe we're just friends, or maybe the Red Sox really are standing in the way. Regardless, spring is here, and he's up to bat.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fuckwittage confirmed

I had complete confidence in The Engineer. He gave me absolutely no reason to doubt him…until now. Last Monday he sent his usual “what does your schedule look like this week” email and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner or have him cook me dinner at his place. After I responded, he suggested a restaurant on my way home so I wouldn’t have as long of a drive. He called the night before the date and we chatted and finalized the details for the date. Looking back everything seemed completely normal. The engineer even emailed me on Friday as if nothing was wrong and explained that he worked late the last two days but there was no apology for canceling the date nor has he called. This of course confused me further.

As you are not quite as emotionally involved, you may have already guessed based on my previous post and my intro…The Engineer committed one of the worst dating sins…the disappearance. (This has been discussed previously by Violet.) The problem with the disappearance is that you are stripped of your right of closure. Even worse is a sudden disappearance. In all of my previous relationships there was a withdrawal period prior to the break up. The withdrawal period gives you a chance to emotionally check out of the relationship so that when the breakup actually occurs it is like shedding a burden rather than a complete surprise.

So all weekend I was feeling shell shocked and somewhat in denial. I tried to keep busy and hung out with friends and family. All this time I was asking myself, “How did this happen? Why won’t he call?” After dating for almost two months and communicating almost daily, I couldn’t believe The Engineer was capable of such complete and utter fuckwittage. I kept thinking to myself, “There must be some mistake!” But I knew deep down that I needed to accept that maybe just maybe The Engineer was a fuckwit disguised as a nice guy.

Yes I know I am a woman of substance, complete without boyfriend. Not only am I awesome but I’m also hotter and younger than The Engineer so this is clearly his loss…so why couldn’t I stop staring at my phone waiting for it to ring?

I broke down and called him on Saturday but after a few rings it went to voice mail. So I sent a text saying that I didn’t know what was going on but it looked like he was blowing me off and I’d appreciate a call. Yet still I got no response! Finally on Sunday evening he emailed me…

[To be continued.]

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The seven week slump?

Tomorrow marks seven weeks since my first date with The Engineer. I know this shouldn’t be a momentous occasion but for me it is a major accomplishment. Sure I’ve gotten this far with other guys before but at this point I’m usually considering the best way to break up with the guy. (This might be a good time for me to confess that I gathered the courage to break up with the Premature “I love you” guy from a fortune cookie. It said “Do something you’d rather not do today.”)

I’m happy to report that I’m still feeling optimistic about The Engineer. I’m quite proud of myself actually. When I made plans to visit Violet over a month from now, I was even thinking in the back of my mind maybe he could drive me to the airport!

So you’ll understand that it came as quite a surprise to me when The Engineer committed a major dating blunder this week. We had plans for dinner after work yesterday and The Engineer sent me a text message saying that he got tied up at work and had to stay late so he couldn’t make dinner. This of course wasn’t his mistake…I understand things come up. I was confident that he would call to explain and maybe even apologize for canceling later that night. He has been remarkable reliable thus far so I had no reason to think overwise. When I didn’t hear from him last night I was somewhat disappointed in him but my resolve did not falter. But here I sit over 24 hours later thinking seriously all I get is a text?!?! The Engineer is seriously in danger of committing fuckwittage if he hasn’t already.

Am I wrong to have such confidence in him when he has given me no reason to doubt that he is dependable? Is he so comfortable with me now that he doesn’t feel the need to impress me? Is this what I have to look forward to in the future?

I am determined to wait for him to call. And I do expect some groveling! (The amount of groveling should be directly proportional to the amount of time he waits to call.)

Playing second

I've come to the conclusion that I will hardly ever see Hanging Out Guy again. We've never agreed to be exclusive, and he is definitely seeing other people. They're not younger or sexier, but they entertain him for hours on end. He loves them unconditionally though they will never love him back. Hanging Out Guy is a Red Sox fan.

This is not a new concept. I myself am a sports fan (although I never watch due to lack of cable) and I've witnessed his love of the Celtics and Bruins as well. But the Red Sox are different. If you've never met a Sox fan, realize that this is something straight out of Fever Pitch. (Minus inheriting seats at Fenway and only half the bedroom paraphelnalia). We start seeing each other over the offseason, but on opening day, bam! He's a changed man. Suddenly he can't do anything if there's a game on (which there usually is).

I'm not giving up on him. I happen to enjoy baseball as well. He's invited me over to watch games and we've also played with the idea of spending a small fortune to catch a game at Fenway (though we're very careful when speaking of the future). Don't be surprised if I'm an absolute expert before the All star break, I live in Red Sox Nation afterall.

Violet and I have a theory that you can tell a lot about a man from his favorite baseball team. In honor of the new season, here is what a man's team says about him:

Atlanta Braves: His best years are probably behind him.
Baltimore Orioles: When he is at a stand still, and can’t quite get that promotion, he will simply blame it on the other people above him, instead of taking steps to improve himself. Then, when that young, upstart executive shoots past him to the top, he will be left looking like an idiot.
Boston Red Sox: Capable of having a passion (i.e. obsession) for something bigger than himself. You won’t see him from April- October, so good luck.
Chicago Cubs: He’s SUCH A LOSER, but for some reason you can’t quite put your finger on, you love him anyway and refuse to give up on him.
Chicago White Sox: Manages to accomplish a lot more than his colleagues with only a fraction of the attention or the credit.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Indecisive. Will probably try to change the names of your future children more than once.
Minnesota Twins: Hard-working, blue collar guy who lives life the right way. Good catch.
New York Mets: Won’t be able to close the deal, if you know what I mean.
New York Yankees: If Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort, or even Satan himself is your type, by all means.
Philadelphia Phillies: Just beware of flying objects (particularly batteries).
Tampa Bay Rays: Has only been a baseball fan since 2008, so he is as much of a fraud as you.
Toronto Blue Jays: See Baltimore Orioles.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

3 Guys, 24 Hours

I just finished up with my 3 dates in two days. Or more appropriately, my 3 "manditions." (Are we all in agreement on adding that word to our vernacular?) There were no total disasters, but I did make one hell of a shocking discovery by the end of it. Here's a rundown of all 3:

Date #1
The Man: The Cable Guy
The Date: Dessert and wine at a (candlelit) cafe

The Cable Guy was lucky enough to make it to round 2, and after our lunch manterview, I felt pretty confident that this mandition would go pretty smoothly. It did. We ordered wine. (I would have gone with the cheap house wine, but he ordered something nicer, while I thought in my head "I really hope you're planning on picking up the tab..." He did.) We were sure to order different desserts so we could try two different things. Conversation was good. He is still super cute. (Seriously.) Eventually, I couldn't wait any longer and had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, only to find out the ladies' room was out of order. He paid the check, then walked me over to the Wendy's next door, and waited for me while I peed. (Awwww!) Unfortunately, my under-sized bladder signaled an earlier end to the date. It was unseasonably cold, so a walk downtown wouldn't have been much fun (not to mention my way-awesome but completely unwalkable spiked heels). We parted ways with him assuring me he would call. If this were a horse race, he'd have a clear lead.

Date #2
The Man: The Texter
The Date: Afternoon coffee

I can't say that I was too entirely keyed up over my date with The Texter. He seemed a bit on the dull side when I spoke to him on the phone, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. (Plus, I've known plenty of people who are complete shite on the phone, but great in real life.) Unfortunately, The Texter is not among them. He's perfectly nice and at times we had a pleasant enough conversation, but there were a few times I had to squirm. First of all, he kept asking me what I thought of the online dating experience and why I was there and what I was looking for. Do we really need to discuss it? You're there, I'm there, I think it's kind of obvious as to why. There were also times when I felt like I was sitting in on a marketing lecture, as he went on and on about ways he markets his business (which he had already told me over the phone.) *Yawn* By the end of the date, he put me on the spot and asked if he could take me out on an actual date, or if he just wasn't my type. I responded with a "we'll see" because I didn't know what else to say. If I have other options, I'm thinking I should probably get out of the second date (don't want to lead him on).

Date #3
The Man: John Boy
The Date: Burgers at dinner

From the outside looking in, this date went splendidly. We talked, we laughed, we had an overall good time. Only problem was, I wasn't the least bit attracted to him. Over burgers, we discussed many things, but we spent nearly half of the time talking baseball. We broke down the NL East, we went over all the reasons there are to hate the Yankees, we talked about how difficult it can be to have a good bullpen. It wasn't until I was on my way home when it hit me: I punish men for doing exactly what I fear they punish me for- talking sports. I have a lot of guy friends, and that's what we do, we talk sports. I have never, ever dated a guy who cared more about ESPN than I do or had a better arm than me. I've always known I had a thing for nerds, but I always thought it would be nice to have a man to discuss these things with. Only problem is, I don't want to debate the designated hitter with a boyfriend. I'd rather talk about other things that matter. I like someone on the in-between. Unfortunately, I think John Boy was really liking me. I think we could be really good friends. I'd like to hang out with him more often. But I don't really see it going any further than that.

Cable Guy? You're up...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dating Blitzkrieg

At this rate, I may very well end up going on dates with 100 men in 6 months. I have three this week. That's right, three. And for someone who has been in a man slump like I have, this is a very odd feeling.

First up, The Cable Guy has advanced to round two, and we are going out for dessert at an awesome cafe tonight.

Tomorrow, I have an afternoon coffee date with The Texter (renamed after he texted me again on Saturday), then dinner with John Boy, a highly entertaining (at least over the phone) guy with a good ol' southern boy accent. Yup, two in one day. Does this mean my mojo is back?

I would like to propose, however, that we rename an initial meeting with an online suitor to "audition," because really, that's what it is. Or maybe manditions? Manterviews?

Monday, April 6, 2009

The default setting

I don't know what brought it up but while out this weekend, my friend Brad says to Hanging Out Guy and I, "You've heard of the missionary position, right?

"Uh, yeah. It's only the easiest, most trusted, go-to position known to man."

"Ok, because Clare (His girlfriend) didn't know what it was."

In unison, we look to Clare and say, "WHAT?" And oh, how we laughed.

Brad and Clare have been together for about 6 years, and have quickly become one of the best couples I've ever known. They amaze me on how incredibly cool, comfortable and fun they are with each other and with friends. (He told me his secret plan to take her into the city to a Chocolate Bar for her birthday, and they hung out with a bunch of us on SAD. Need I say more).

Apparently she didn't know missionary had a name. She just thought it was default.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

That elusive perfect date outfit

We've all been there. Standing in front of (or in) our closets, pulling clothes off their hangers, throwing them onto the bed, trying on outfit after outfit, modeling for your roommate, or even taking pictures and emailing them to a long-distance friend (i.e., Scarlet). It's a never-ending battle: Choosing the perfect date outfit.

What's so difficult about looking so fantastic? We do it all the time. But on a date, the goal is not just to look fantastic, but to look fantastic without looking like you tried very hard at all. And looking like you didn't try is very hard work indeed.

This is why the lunch date works so well. You're coming from work, so as long as you aren't a construction worker, you can dress very, very well, but have the excuse that you were dressing for work and not for him. I met The Cable Guy for lunch on Thursday, and this is exactly what I did. I was able to wear my hot ass pencil skirt, but I was clearly dressing professionally, and not for him. (I could actually wear jeans to work if I wanted to, but a.) he doesn't know that and b.) I never do anyway. I have a closet full of professional work clothes. I actually want to wear them.) I have had this particular pencil skirt since college (and yes, it still fits!) and it has never let me down. Only time will tell if it came through in the clutch yet again.

But what if you're not going out for lunch in the middle of a work day? Here's a few things to remember:
1. Always keep the venue in mind. A mini-skirt and heels might be appropriate for the club, but they are not appropriate for much else. Also reeks of desperation.
2. Don't be afraid to wear heels. (Unless, of course, the guy is a Liliputian.) Heels make everything look better. But again, if you're going with a shorter skirt, you may want to tone it down with flats.
3. Show some tasteful cleavage. Not too much, of course, you don't want to give away the farm. Just enough to let him know you have some. (And if you don't have any, you can always create the illusion.)
4. Have a stand-by outfit: Flattering jeans, heels, and said top with some cleavage.
5. Get a second opinion- from a guy. Women tend to dress for other women, but when you're on a date, you're not dressing for other women, you're dressing for your date. So the guy next door's opinion is a bit more valuable than your roommate's.

Anyone else have tried and true date outfit advice? I know we could all use some.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Demetrius would have called

Is it just me? Am I too old-fashioned? Or is the following scenario perfectly acceptable?

I've been getting a lot of attention from a fellow named Lysander (so named because he claims to love Shakespeare, and ended his last email to me with the phrase "waiting with baited breath." I suggested Romeo, but Scarlet- rightfully- argued that Romeo was too tragic, so I went with the more comic Lysander.) who asked for my number. I figured why the hell not, so I gave it to him. Lo and behold, he used it a mere two hours later- to send me a text message.

I am an anti-texter. I know I should just get off my high horse and jump on the bandwagon, but I don't want to. I have oddly-shaped thumbs that make it awkward to push tiny buttons and it's just so impersonal. I gave you my number, use it properly. I'm not asking for a hand-written letter, for crying out loud.

Granted, he used it to ask me when was a good time to reach me, but what's wrong with just calling? If I don't answer, leave a message. So now I don't know what to do. I don't want to text him back, because that would a.) condone his actions and b.) set a bad precident which will send my cell phone bill through the roof, as I do not have texting in my current plan. I can't return his text with a call, that's just wrong. Do I email him? Ignore the text and wait for him to just call? I need some advice on this one, ladies...