To Snog a Smoker?

After his texting frenzy, Popcorn Man actually picked up the phone and called me on Thursday evening. (This was, of course, after he texted me that afternoon.) He asked me what I was up to this weekend. I said I was busy on Saturday and Sunday. He said that "maybe" he would give me a call to see what I was up to on Friday. All the while, I'm thinking. It's Thursday. Why don't we just make a plan for Friday?

Friday rolls around. Due to extreme cold and ice, it's an official snow day! I spend the day hibernating with a book and a crochet hook. By the time evening rolled around, I hadn't left the house all day, and I was ok with that. At 8:00, I got a text (of course) from Popcorn Man. He wanted to know what I was up to. I told him I was hibernating. He responded with, "Damn, I was hoping we could hang out." I was torn. Part of me wanted to stay in my chair, wrapped up in my blanket, reading my book. Another part of me wanted to actually be social. I told him that depended on what he meant by hanging out. He suggested I could go to his house and hang out. Or he could come over to my place.

This is when texting is preferable to an actual conversation. I have time to consult my roommate and figure out what it is I actually want to do. My roommate advised that I should see him. So I told him to come on over, and if we wanted to go out somewhere, we're in a two-block radius of a wide variety of bars.

I looked down at my clothes and decided I had better change. Even if we stayed in, my leggings and leg warmers, complete with llama motif, were probably not going to cut it. At that time, it was 9:30. By 10:30, my roommate and I were watching 27 Dresses, and I was kind of hoping he would stand me up. At 10:45, he called and said he would be here in half an hour. I decided I needed some hot chocolate as a pick-me-up. He finally arrived just before 11:30.

I offered him a beer, which he accepted, and we took up residence on the couch. We chatted for awhile, flipped through the Would You Rather...? book my roommate and I keep on our coffee table just for situations such as this. Then he had to go outside on our porch in the 12 degree weather to smoke. He came back in reeking like a chimney. Consider myself officially checked out.

I think it was around the 12:45 mark that he started to annoy me. I'm not sure what it was exactly, but I think it was his tendency to ramble. And never stop. When he found out that I don't like Ikea (seriously, I hate Ikea) he went on and on and on AND ON about how I shouldn't hate Ikea and about how he himself will take me to Ikea someday so that I will no longer hate Ikea. Then I got a dissertation on his gout. Gout! It's an old-person's disease! There was nothing-and I mean nothing- that I could contribute to that conversation. I mean, aside from a sympathetic "yeah" and a nod of the head every now and then.

It was also about this time that his hand took up permanent residence on my knee. I didn't like it. And that is a clear sign that this is Not Going to Happen. He tried to talk me into going out, but at that point, it was after 1:30.

Dear Popcorn Man,

This is where you screwed up: You didn't make a date. Had I known ahead of time that we had a scheduled time to go out, I would have been more up for it. I wouldn't have gotten so comfortable in my blanket and slippers. Then, if you did want to go out, you should have suggested it within 30 minutes of your arrival at my place. By the time you did, my hot chocolate had worn off and I was back to the blanket to keep warm. Oh, and quit smoking. You stink.

I finally managed to get rid of him at 2:00. There was no kiss goodnight. I had made up my mind over an hour ago, that even if I do want more action this year, I wasn't going to want it from him. Not without an awful lot of liquor, anyway. Snog a smoker? I think I'll pass. Unfortunately, he texted me at 2:09 to say. "Sweet dreams. :) I had fun."

Bah! What do I do now?

Popcorn Man: Fail.